Emerald Bile

I am not especially interested in gardening, or flowers really. If you were thinking about giving me a bunch of flowers, I would say to you “actually, would you mind bringing me some chocolates, or better still those peanuts which have like a crispy shell around them with spices. Or bacon crisps, I fucking love bacon crisps” Anyway, unlike most women, I get stressed by bunches of flowers, There is so much you are expected to do when you receive them. How is it nice to give someone a present when they have to work hard after receiving it? I don’t get rewarded by working hard, I prefer things to be simple. Flowers are a pain because there is always a woman hanging around who will say “oh, don’t forget to slice the stalks off them and put that powder into a vase”, and if you are very unlucky, there might even be two know-it-alls and the other one will say “No, Geraldine, you do not slice the stalks on that one, you bash them with a mallet, and it will be lemonade in the vase with an aspirin otherwise the flower heads will fall off, and we would not want to be responsible for so many floral deaths, would we?” I never have a vase, so I have to take a washing up liquid bottle and chop the top off and by the time I have done all that, the person who brought me the flowers is thinking “you know, next time, I will bring her nothing, the disorganized bitch with no clue how to receive a bunch of flowers”.

And don’t give me that “oh but the exquisite fragrance of flowers is special, is it not” because I will tell you a lot of flowers do not smell at all, and someone brought me some once which smelt like urine. I am not sure if they were making some kind of a point, or they thought “these flowers are so pretty, we will ignore the fact they smell like an old commode”.

At least flowers you get in a bunch from people are already dead. I cannot say the same thing about flowers growing from bulbs. It is spring now, and people are all about bulbs in the spring. Bulbs give me the creeps, they look like potatoes but if you were to eat them, you would get very sick, or even die. Then there is always a great fuss about them too, like my mother will go on about “oh, my bulbs”. I hate the orderliness of them, people plant them in fucking_rows like a north Korean carnival, and they all grow, all boring and straight, and then die and look shit. Daffodils are the worst, I fucking hate them. Ever since I read “the day of the triffids” I have not been able to trust those fuckers. A daffodil has a mouth just like a triffid, and do you know what happens to tramps when they die? Hmm?:That’s right, the daffodils get them, and before you ask no I have not been drinking, it is ten in the fucking morning.
Noreen

Noreen is mental!

Jesus, she's having a go at the bloody flowers now. Don't worry readers, Noreen goes a bit mental like this about once a month, it soon passes and she is once again annoyed by normal things, like that cunt Robbie Williams and people who say 'literally' when they mean the exact opposite.
Ball Bag