Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Am I A Big Fruit?
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Stand Back! You are not a Bloodhound
This is called a coping mechanism and I need one of those because I fucking hate it when people stand really close to me, I really feel a great rage. There is this one woman, I know, she gets up all close and sort of sniffs at you. She always makes a comment about scent, and being a very, very classy bird I do not douse myself in the stuff, the idea is that fucking expensive perfume, should be discreet, it is to be used AS WELL as washing, not to mask foul odours, like impulse or those Lynx sprays. So yes, when I wear scent, I spray it on my décolletage, not all around my head like I want to keep the flies off. You should only be able to tell what perfume a woman is wearing when you are in bed with her. So if this one is saying to me “Oh, is that Anna Sui” then she is way, way to close.
Anyway, this woman, she always stands so close and leans in as well, so you cannot do the thing where you transfer your weight to the back foot and lean back, as she is just there, getting closer and closer. I have on occasion taken a crafty step away, but the hide of this woman! She just comes on after you. She does it to everyone, it is not just because she likes sniffing at me, and no, she is not deaf, before some do-gooder pipes up there and says “well the hard of hearing, they NEED to stand closer” Fuck off, she is not a deafer. Jesus, I wish she would get the hint and fuck off. I have no interest in sniffing people or getting so near I can see their bogeys and the vellous hair on their cheeks, that is what an American would call Too Much Information, and I would call it being a weirdo cunt-loony
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Is that food there in my drink? it had better fucking not be, I'm warning you!
But quite apart from pimm's and arseholes always being hand in hand, and the fact that the stuff gives me a raging hangover, the main reason I loathe pimm's is because it has fruit and vegetables in it. I like fruit and vegetables but if I ever caught myself eating strawberries, cucmber and raw mint, fucking raw mint at the same time I would call an ambulance. Raw mint! the dirty, dirty bastards. If I were faced with those foods I would eat the cucumber first and then the strawberry. Most of all, the difference between me and a Pimm's fan is that I would eat the fruit and vegetables not drink them. Because I am not a lunatic. Why would you drink cucumber chunks? what the fuck! I hate people who put strawberries in champagne as well, they are right cunts, and I do not like lemons in drinks either, they make no difference at all to the flavour and they get in the way.
Monday, June 20, 2005
What in the name of Mary, Mother of God is a meme?
These meme questionnaires, on the other hand, are just raw sewage, liquid shite of the most utterly shitey kind. A list of questions which have clearly been pulled out of the arses of a team of idiots. All hilariously random, they are, the meme questions, one minute it is asking something all deep like "stoic or epicurean" and the next it is like "what is on your shelf?". The real reason for the questionnaire is hidden in between these shitehole random questions, it is usually something like "say something great about the person who sent you this" and then there might be a "why do you really like the person who sent you this" one and maybe, just in case you are a bit of a thickwad there will be a last -gasp- "If you had to descibe the person who sent you this would you choose "amazing" "uninhibited" or "beautiful within and without". Cunts
Anyway that is the meme and it gets sent around to your friends and everyone tries to sound more interesting than the one who sent it to them. My friend Stuart sent me this one, the great big cunt, but he has broken his ankle and lives in New Zealand so you can imagine it is pretty fucking boring, and you would resort to anything really, to take the mind off all that pain and greenery. You can do it if you like, if you can understand it, half of the questions are not even questions, they are written like a statement, probably just because those people on the bottom of the world inflect their voices up like they are always asking a question so that they can just say a word like "genitals?" and you immediately assume they are asking you if you like or have genitals, whereas if I were to say "genitals" to you, it would sound like an insult. And guess what? it would be. Fucking foreign bastards, I can't cope with it. Anyway I have answered the questions as best I can, despite the fact they are in antipodeanish.
WHAT'S YOUR FULL NAME Noreen Assumpta O' Brien
WHAT ARE YOU READING nothing, I hate reading
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? the fucking mouse, isn't it. Jesus Christ
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? I hate board games
FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Viz
BABIES what about them? ask a fucking question moron
FAVOURITE SOUND: buildings being demolished, all that crashing and blasting
FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? tea
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? I always turn the bastard off and listen to the messages, I hate phones
WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Breathing
IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE I can play lots of instruments, playing instruments is overrated, I would unlearn playing them, except for the kazoo, that is magnificent
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I can't drive
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? What? fuck off I am not mental
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? I can't fucking drive, can I, so why would I have a fucking car
WISH YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TALK TO? No, I have no interest in the past it has happened. I've seen "back to the future", there is a can of worms if you start that nonsense
FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK champagne
WHAT'S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? I don't HAVE A FUCKING CAR I CANNOT DRIVE. Jesus Christ!
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Why? do you want them? fucking fruitcake
YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE I would not want a bastard job thank you, it is better to be to be minted and idle
WHO'S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?a dead person, or maybe a mute.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? It is in your fucking forehead, so I hope it is half full with brains and blood, you cunt
YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? are they bollocks
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? I have no idea
YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 69, no contest
. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? wrestling
SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? He is a good cook
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? the bra, I do not want tits scraping the floor when I am an old woman
FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? dick
FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? evening
THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? james Blunt
WHERE'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE? in front of the television
WHERE'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? I fucking hate massage
WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Why do I have to fucking choose you moron? what is this
WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? early
DO YOU BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE? I really hope there is not one, I have had enough
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Summer or all year in a hot country or none at all in shitholes like canada and Norway
YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I wouldn't though, would I because I am a fucking human, you cock
WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? oh fuck off
IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? Of course I don't have a fucking tattoo do I look like an utter cunt?
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? I don't know really, I would say a tuesday, I was born on one and you eat pancakes on them too.
OF THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? I won't email it, I will shove it on the blog and it will be a woman I am sure of it
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL Curry. Fried eggs on fried bread, and no I am not fat you cunt
DO YOU HAVE PETS? tortoises, but they live outside and I ignore them, they are more like having flies, or snails.
Eagles, better than pigeons, as good as a bat
I mentioned seeing the eagle to this woman a bit later. "I saw an eagle" I said, and then she says "Oh, was it majestic?". I hate this. You can try it out if you like, if you say eagle to someone they will say "majestic" in the next sentence. Or they might even say " as majestic as an eagle" or "the majesty of the eagle, it is great, is it not". However they come out with it, they will say the word majestic pretty close to the word eagle, I am telling you. An eagle is just that, an eagle, it is not the king of anything at all, and I would like to meet a king who can fly about and eats rats and kittens.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
The Ultimate Fighting Championship Is A Piece Of Piss
Well let me tell you, I was not impressed. As I have now been outed as a rugby player (and a rugby player of not inconsiderable talent I might add), I can tell you that it is no worse than the off the ball antics in a rugby match. The two blokes square up, throw a couple of punches - that almost always miss - then grapple on the floor until one of them works an arm free to give the other one a smack round the head. It is shit.
I was expecting broken bones and eyes gouged from thier sockets, but it is just fruity nonsense.
If I wanted, I could easily be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. I just don't want to is all.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Move over Fred West, James Blunt has arrived!
So, yes ,that James Blunt might have the voice of an angel, but he has the knife of a butcher too. Don’t catch his eye, you’ll be murdered and he’ll be singing about it, the loony.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
A Question For Our Gay Readers
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
No. I do not want to go to the theatre. Fuck off!
Theatres are expensive and you have to be quiet, unless you are one of those braying cunts who laughs in a smug and loud 6 -figure- salary arsehole way. I hate those fuckers, why would they want to advertise to the world what very great cunts they are? You can only really get away with that sort of behaviour in a theatre because everyone has their cunty boots on in a theatre. All pleased with themselves that they have spent twenty quid on watching people instead of on two KFC buckets.
I get past hating theatres by going to sleep in them. At least they are dark and quiet apart from the cunts with the laughing. The seats could be better though, I hate the way they catapault you out, just as you are moving around to rest the other side. The neighbours you have in a theatre are not always that great about sleeping audiences either. I went to sleep during the Barber of Seville once, despite all the warbling and screeching and great posturing movement, and I woke up at the end on this man’s shoulder. “Oh dear!” I said. “Did I sleep on you?”. “you did” he said “and you snored”. He was no gentleman was he? Telling a woman she snores will never win you points. Besides, it is quite normal to snore. Silly fucker.
The main problem I have with the theatre is when you have your dinner. I like to eat my dinner around the time of most plays. Restaurants are in on it, I reckon, because you get these ones near theatres advertising the “pre and post performance special menu”. My great arse it is a special menu, it is a way of forcing people to eat at weird times. I feel all deprived if I have my dinner too early, it is like the end of the fun of the day, and the idea of waiting to eat and sitting in a darkened hall with people humping away and screeching, while the only thought in my head is of a huge pile of food, available just next door, well why would I do that?
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Why keep a dog, and bark yourself?
Small dogs should not need outergarments, unless their owner is slightly mental and thinks the dog is a person. Dogs in jackets often eat from bone china, and won’t eat real dog food out of a tin, preferring chocolate and hand poached chicken. For fuck’s sake! If I were nice, I would feel sorry for the people and the clothed dogs, the lonely humans whose only friend licks its own balls and howls, the dog forced into tartan and carried about. I am a cunt though, so I will not feel sorry for them, just want to set doggie and owner alight.
I hate intelligent animals and I hate animals wearing costumes which suggest they are as clever as humans. That must be because I am threatened by them. When you are low down on the intellect percentile, clothed dogs seem like a very real threat. Oh fuck that, I hate self-deprecation too, it is for cunts. I am very very clever, but I hate clever animals,and animals in clothes, except for donkeys in the hats with holes for the ears.
Monday, June 13, 2005
I Don't Hate Gay People, But I Have Never Met A Gay Person I Didn't Hate
I think it is because we have nothing in common - for instance, I don't like musicals or Cher or Kylie Minogue or having a cock up my arse, and they do. I don't understand why they all talk in that strange gay accent they use and why do they call everyone a bitch, even men? It irritates me. Did they always talk in that voice, or did they just start doing it when they realised they were gay?
I also wonder why they think that most straight people they meet are gay. People like me who like rugby and beer and smoking and manly stuff are secretly gay according to gays. Apparently we are trying a little bit too hard to be straight. Does that mean that they are secretly straight? A gay man who wears make-up and enjoys showtunes is trying a little bit too hard to be gay, so therefore must be straight.
Harry Hutton once made an excellent point that he does not like broccoli, yet nobody claims that he secretly does like broccoli or that he was traumatised by broccoli as a child. He is a wise man, that Hutton, but don't bother visiting his webiste - it is pure shite.
Ball Bag is right!
Harry has been lucky with the broccoli. I find that the minute I say I do not like some type of food, everyone is trying to tell me that I do really. Like oysters, those live snotballs. I don't like them, but oyster lovers don't get it at all. They say stuff like "oh you have never had them done properly" Done? Done? you eat the miserable little fuckers raw, don't you? Fucking fish bogeys.On the other hand, I like tofu, the gay soy cheese that hippies eat but I do not try and convince non-hippies to eat it.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Update! My Friend's Ugly Baby Is Now Hugely Fat
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Death to all pushy people including atheists
What gets right up my arsehole are people who try and foist religion onto you. The thing which makes religious people wankers is the thought that if they are not busy converting people then they are not being religious enough. This is a load of old horseshit and just a way of making boring people even worse. Most of them come out with the pushing of religion early on in the conversation, like they will say "what are you doing on saturday" and you might say "Oh, nothing" and then they will say "I would like you to come to my chanting, hand holding and sprituality through dance and mime session". This is fucking irritating, and yet sweetly honest. You know they are only after your soul, the bastards, so you can murder them then and there, or be all peaceful with a quick V sign and a nippy exit. Whatever, these people are up front about religion, even if they are still boring cunts. Then there are stealth evangelists, ones who invite you to watch sport or go out for dinner and before you know it they are fucking praying away in public in a loud and praising way. They are terrible, terrible people. Then there are the "you are wrong" people who will not leave it, and a lot of those are atheists. You would think being an atheist was just that, being a godless person, but a lot of them are as pushily cunty about being an atheist as the God Squad or the loonie-toonies are about their respective cults. Some atheists will go on and on about fossils around religious ones that believe in the ark, or they will harp on about fucking Nietsche until you really could just shit. If there is no God, then fine, but going on and on and having a real go at the poor unfortunates who have some kind of a way of coping with the cruel old world, just makes these religious people think the atheists are threatened by their fuckwitted religious beliefs . Then they are on the rollercoaster of "I am right", the religious people. They say "oh, well if there really weren't a god, why doth that atheist protest so much (John chapter 5 verses 9-12) " and the religious people become even more convinced that their dancing and chanting is totally important and an essential part of a rounded and happy good life on this earth. And from there, the religious ones decide that the pushy atheists always trying to make them stop believing in God, are actually the Devil or some other embodiment of the dark side. Evangelists with, or without a deity in their lives, and those actively not having a deity around them should all be crucified or burnt at the stake. Amen
I hate myself
I love his recipes though. I got his book as a present, and they are fucking marvellous. I wanted to hate them but I did not. I am definitely a cunt. Cunty bollocksy cunty penis
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Crayons or Cutlasses?
So let's have a poll. Which do you like better? Just answer crayon or cutlass.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Massage: all wrong
My friend was going on and on about massage and how wonderful it is, it makes you thin and relaxed and cures everything. I have never had a massage, because I am very ticklish. I have had my feet reflexologised, and that was okay because it was quite painful and they went on about diseases and stuff, which was barking, but cool. With real massage it is your body they fiddle with, and you have to get undressed and keep still for an hour. I find that hard, not the undressing, but the keeping still unless I am asleep. Anyway, I thought I would try it, to shut this woman up from going on and on.
It was just appalling. I had to get off all of my clothes and wear knickers made out of paper, and the last time I wore those was after having a baby, so the associations were already of a traumatic bloodbath, not a relaxing pamper session. Then this woman started stroking me and I hated it. It was ticklish and just plain weird. I do not like being stroked, it makes me feel a bit sick. I am not a fucking cat. Also, I do not have a sore back or any problems like that which could get better from the massage, so there is none of that "oh, now I will be able to do up my shoelace again" side of it. I am perfectly okay without it. The worst bit though was that when she had finished rubbing away at my back, I turned over and she started stroking at my tits. I looked at her to see if she was getting some kind of a kick out of it, as I got ready to grab her by the hair and smack her nose down into the gurney I was lying on. Nope, she looked normal. I then asked her not to do it and she said "Oh, I massage all the body it is important for the drainage or some variation of that bollocks". Anyway, I fucking hated it. I hate that weird in between thing they call "tactile" or something, which I reckon is code for "a bit frigid, but still after some perve". I asked my friend about the tit groping afterwards, just in case I was being really naive and this woman was violating me, and the friend gave me a lecture about not being so uptight and stuff. Fucking neck of it. I hate being touched up, unless I am about to be penetrated by a large, erect penis. Tactile massage bollocks, fuck off
Monday, June 06, 2005
Evolve! you creepy little monkey bastards
monkeys. I hate monkeys, whether they are wearing clothes advertising tea, banging their heads against the wall in a zoo or wanking away in a jungle, they are horrible. They have nasty little faces and great wormy mangy tails and make that fucking stupid hoo-hoo-ha-ha noise all the time. There are monkeys in spain, and not just ones that you have your photograph taken with on the end of a chain, real ones, running about and stealing your hat, the little bastards.
A lot is made of the fact that monkeys or apes or whatever you want to call animals that look a bit like Robbie Williams, are close relatives of the human. That may well be so, but like many families, it is neither possible nor indeed necessary for every family member to like each other. I hate my monkey relations a whole load, and the main reason I hate them is their nasty little hands. I was going on and on about monkey's hands the other day and this smart arse interrupted "actually, monkey's hands are not like the human hand because they lack a posable thumb" Fucking bollocks and arse to that, I do not care whether their thumb is posable or not, it is still a fucking thumb. Other animals do not have fingers and thumbs, they have paws and hooves. Those are real animals, the ones with paws and hooves or even claws, they are alright as well. Fingers and thumbs are for humans, monkeys fuck off
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Dick Cheney: native American and international cunt
American campuses don’t like the word Eskimo anymore. They prefer Inuit, just as they say “Native American” when they mean “Warlike Redskin”. Which is ridiculous; everyone born in America is native there. Dick Cheney is a Native American. What else is he? He’s not a native anything else. He is a cunt, however, and cunts, like the proletariat, have no country (Karl Marx).
Did you realise that Eskimos have 43 different words for cocksucker?
Saturday, June 04, 2005
My bush smells like a dead body
Friday, June 03, 2005
The Blog Police
Noreen is perfectly correct.
Criticising this stuff as if it were literature is the behaviour of a cunt. Noreen and Nutsack have positioned themselves in the calling-people-cunts niche market, and it’s too late to do anything about it now, however much you whinge. They have made their cake, and now they must lie in it. For you cannot have your bed and eat it.
As for not being funny: Noreen really is funny. And Ball Bag, well, I’m sure he’s doing his best. You’re not going to turn him into Oscar Wilde by telling him “Be funny” all the time, any more than you can make sausages cook faster by shouting at them.
The next time someone calls us childish we will change their name to Arsewipe. On this point, as indeed on all points, we are firm.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Hutton the cunt
A world-class cunt, he is.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Should I Fuck My Elderly Neighbour?
Whilst setting up this huge brute of a TV, she asked me, I think in reference to my TV, but I can't be sure, "Do you have a big one?". Surely even an old person can see the sniggering humour in this, but she didn't just ask me once, she asked me on THREE seperate occasions. That cannot be an accident.
So what I want to know is this: Do you think that my elderly neighbour wants my cock? And, if so, should I fuck her?
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