Emerald Bile

I hate vegans, those pale, weedy boring people who are incredibly precious about what they eat. I don't care what people eat, just fucking eat it, and don't tell me about it. If people want to eat sheep's brains, for instance, like they do around here, well they are welcome to them! A brain is not much use to a sheep dead or alive, sheep are real morons, so, if some dirty fecker wants to eat brain? - well bon appetit, you cunt. Equally, a vegan, a person who shies away from all animal products, can indulge their idiosyncratic eating habits as much as they like, so long as they keep their yappers shut about it. It all amounts to the same thing - all the more fried eggs, chips, and bacon crisps for me and Ball Bag.

But worse than Vegans are Freegans, people who can't just be satisfied by eliminating most of the food groups from their diet, they have to be on a very restricted diet, which only comes out of a dustbin. The dirty, dirty fucking pikeys. These people are not poor, like the beggars here who come and have a rifle through my dustbin, most British freegans have parents who keep a decent cellar, and enjoy an argument about issues that they have read about in The Observer, over a plate of organic taleggio.

No, the reason these freegans go bin-raking is not because they need a good meal and can't afford one, but because they are "rejecting consumerism". But they are not so great at the rejection of consumerism as they still hang around the shops, all the time, so I don't fucking see, how their behaviour is so "anti consumerism." If there were no shops for them to hang around - where would the fuckers go? Hmm? They would die out.

If I ever had a bang on the head and decided to be a Freegan I would be an extreme Freegan, lying in wait for, and throwing stones at binmen, those dumb mules of wicked wanton waste, or an Off-road Freegan on my hands and knees, working the landfill sites, with the shrieks of seagulls and crows in my ears, and two kneesfull of splintered glass. That would be the way to do Freeganism. But these freegan cunts, they are way too fucking soft for that, the big, fat cheese-dodging gayers.

I know all about Freegans because my sister Maud works near a Marks and Spencers in London and she says the Freegans all go and hang around there at about five o'clock, and when the woman comes out to throw away the food that is on its "sell -by" date, the Freegands are all: "I'm sorry, but I can't possibly eat this wild mushroom and fennel risotto - it has cream in it and cream has come out of an animals tit and that is just so wickedly cruel", and the woman just thrusts a pile of slightly stiff Ciabatta at them, and they all argue amongst themselves, and then get on their stolen bicycles, talking loudly about their next skiing holiday that they are hitch hiking too, with their stolen mismatched ski boots, and the top of the range skis mummy bought for them( so that does not count as a bought item). What fucking, thieving, pikey, awful, gay cunts. Freegans should be butchered and made into "veggie burgers" and fed to other Freegans.
Noreen