Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Times change. So should material.

In the hotter months, people are obsessed with cloth. Women cover themselves in cheap, shiny, over- ironed linen and think it makes them look sophisticated. Everywhere you go, people are all: cotton this, cotton that. Well I say cotton on, you cunts. There are many, many fantastic new and adventurous types of fabrics like Gore-tex and the one that lets the sweat out but keeps the rain off and the other one with a weird name, and they have all been made by the brains and hands of human beings.

Many people think that material should only be made by animals, but I think they need to open their minds more. Humans are far more sophisticated than animals, they have souls and the power of speech, and they have hands instead of claws and paws. This means that their ability to make fabric is superior to that of a sheep, which only has hooves, a silkworm which has no limbs whatsoever until it becomes a moth and the legs of a moth are no great shakes as we all know. And what about cotton - it is not even made by an animal, it grows on a tree. For fuck's sake! A tree is a tree - just all wooden roots and fleshy leaves and little cotton wool balls all over it. I just don't see what makes it so very fucking special.

What is more, I do not understand why quite sane people fall for this: "but these fabrics are all natural" line. Many things are "natural" as hippies will spend years telling you. It is natural to shit on the ground and walk off. Luckily and unnaturally, we now have lavatories where you can not only shit into a porcelain chair, but a moving current of water carries your shit out of harm's way. God, we're brilliant altogether, in a brilliantly unnatural and sophisticated way, yet "natural" bore-bores would have us believe that natural is best. Natural is not best though, is it? Tell me how waiting for a worm to shit cloth is best, when you could get a technician to run you up a little gore-tex outfit which would probably do your job for you, go out for the shopping and fuck your wife while it is at it, as well as keeping the rain off and the sweat out? Jesus Christ on a stick! Cotton and linen and silk and wool - fuck you.


Gosh, for once you're making sense, Noreen. Can't believe it's happening. Gotta read this post again, to make sure I'm not dreaming.
Yes, toilets are good, but the best fabric in the known universe is a blend of wool and silk that I saw made into a green and white striped jumper shirt vesty thing in Brown's of New Molten Street the other day for 320quid. Then again is it natural to shave sheep and make wool, is it natural to do whatever it is you have to do to silk worms to make silk? Is it any more or less natural to make goretex than to blend silk and wool together? Maybe it's human nature to be unnatural and to do these things. Hhmm, what do you think about that? Or do you?
I have considered knitting my pubes into a coat for a sheep to compensate the poor animals for us stealing their wool, but it would take an awfully long time. And I cannot knit
Yeah, fuck you!
Gore-tex is made by serial killers, I'll have you know. Good Catholics never wear Gore-tex.
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I am currently wearing an ironed linen shirt. Until I read your blog I was unaccountably furious, I now realize it's because of the shit natural fibre I'm wearing. Thanks, I will try to avoid it in the future and will work the rest of the day naked.
I remember when I was a wee boy, my parents had read me books for bed time and one of them in particular was about a princess who was punnished by the wicked witch, so she turned all her guards in to swans. In order to break the evil spell she had to pick Stinging Nettels and knit a sweater for each of these swans to wear. Despite her poor hands being swollen like ballons, she continued. and the evil spell was broken. Why are Fairy tails so sadistic?

But thats "Natural" for you, a sweater made of Stining Nettles!
I like to cover myself in my own shite on hot summer days. Then I hang around primary schools.
"You cannot go against nature, because if you do, going against nature is a part of nature, too."

Yes, yes, I am a complete cunt.

Gore-Tex is expensive. And it does not let sweat through, if you sweat like a whore in church.

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