Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Freestyle is not free
I am not a great swimmer, unlike Ball Bag who is a superior water creature, but I can swim a very long way, which is the most useful skill to have if you are in a shipwreck . I have never particularly seen the point of "strokes", as in the breast stroke or the back stroke or that one which looks like you are humping a puddle, the butterfly stroke. Anyone who can swim well enough to do these strokes in a professional manner looks a bit gay. And as for people who wear swimming hats, well they should pull the hats right down over their mouths and go under the water until they die, the weird fuckers. Not only do swimming hats look mighty fucking odd, they also support of a chain of pure evil. Women who wear swimming hats do so because they dye their hair - natural beauties have no fear of chlorine- and women with dyed hair line the pockets of hairdressers who are just the arse of humanity. I fucking hate hairdressers to death, with their bad conversation, and vicious snipping and combing. The fuckers. And don't give me: "But swimming hats prevent nits" because they do not, and anyway,I would rather have ten nits, than one hairdresser, or half a woman with dyed hair talking about her hair.
Many people that you see in the pool wearing swimming hats do the front crawl and I am not a fan of the front crawl. It makes a lot of splashing and usually has a roped off bit of the pool reserved for people doing it, like a special pen for people with hats who like displacing water violently.
But worse than people who do the front crawl are people who call it the "Freestyle". What the fuck is that all about? It is not "free" at all, you are expected to whirl your arms over your head like a windmill whilst flapping your legs up and down under the water, and that is how you do the free style. If I entered the Olympics freestyle and gave it a bit of frogs legs kicking in the freestyle race, someone would blow an olympic whistle and make me get out of the pool and find my towel. And as for "style" I do not see what is stylish about scooping water with your hands, whilst intermittently turning your great, big, open mouth to the side and gulping, I think it is extremely inelegant. Freestyle, fuck off.
I suppose that's a point of view. On the other hand, the present drought has meant the emergence of large numbers of bloated, bobbing, purple Londoners whose immersion and partial digestion by a thousand thousand slimy things, followed by bobbing merrily to the surface of the Thames twice their original size and three times as fragrant, would constitute a significant aesthetic improvement in both themselves and the river.
Then again, why would I ever need to? I never go on a ferry, and if a plane landed in the sea I'd die anyway, so when would I need it?
Fuck it. Splashing about is for twats, and the men all like oggling each other's wrinked penises.
I'm a son of the soil.
I lost by about the length of the pool, which fucked my teamates in the relay off a treat. Ah well, they probably had hats on anyway.
It is just that the crawl is the fastest way to go.
Looks like the moroccan bread fucked up your head.
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