Tuesday, August 22, 2006


The art simply isn't good enough

Despite not liking Avid Readers, and finding books in general pretty fucking dull, I try my hardest to be invited to join Book Clubs. I never normally read the book, I cannot be fucked to, but there are usually crisps on offer at the Book Club venue, and maybe some type of deep fried cheese ball, and a general sense of bonhomie at the beginning that quickly gets clobbered by an arsenal of pretension. It's a cracking night out.

I would never go to a book club with men in, because it would be terribly boring. Men never have anything to say, really, at all, unless they are talking about sport, and the type of man who would have something meaningful to say about a book? Well, wouldn't he be a big cunt! No I couldn't have men about, if they weren't being awful cunts, then they would change the dynamic and there would be sideways glances and giggling and flirting and all the men desperate to scratch their balls, but just too polite and literary to go ahead and do it. Mixed Book clubs would be shite.

When there are only women, a book club becomes a full on intelligent cat fight, with each specky whore trying to out-bright the next. The choice of the book is key, and whichever woman chooses it, makes sure that it "Says Something" about what a fascinating individual she is. They might pick out a Greek Tragedy so they can harp on about the witch fantasy, or choose one of those interminable Chinese books about downtrodden people in factories triumphing over their terrible circumstances and becoming eminent academics. Or they force everyone to read that fucking book: "The Kite Runner", which is all about Afghanistan and anal rape. I just don't see why anyone would want to read that shit, I really don't. The sick weirdo bastards. I am not remotely interested in Afghanistan, not since they blew up all the nice Buddha things, it sounds like all sorts of a shithole, and as for anal rape, well that is just a way for the author to distract his well-meaning, middle class readers' attention from the miserable yawny fest that is the protagonist's relationship with his tedious father and some old servants, and shock you out of the dreadful stupor created by the author's mediocre prose and boring imagery. If you are going to write about unpleasant things outside the realm of most Times' readers personal experience, then write better, you fucking lazy cunt. And what about the name? The Kite runner. Ripped arseholes in Kabul more like.

dude ur totly right. american boocklubs are supieriar bacasue we have menonly book clcubs an i can tel lyuou right now we go thae're an scratch our ballls like theres no tomorow. its teh big leages baby! if you can scratch ur bals in a mamerican book club u can scrrach em anywhere.
I saw a man in the street yesterday and he gave his balls the most almighty scratching I have ever seen. He lifted up the ball sac and scratched his perineum from front to back, then he had a scratch of the actual knackers, then he got his bell end and scratched around under that. It was so thorough, you could see each move exactly through his trousers. If I had a cock and balls I would really know how to scratch them well now.
Well, unmerican or not, you can't scratch 'em in Singapore,
not that mine reach there,
Apart from missing the symbolic significance of that scene - anal rape as metaphor for what's been done to Afghanistan over the decades - I think you've nailed the book's essence, Noreen. Would you like to join my book club?
I think the problem of ball scratching in book clubs is over-stated. I find I can almost always wait until I get home, or at least until I'm pretty sure no women are looking. It's the fart suppressing that's the big problem at coed book clubs. It's surprising how many women just can't hold it in.
Book burning clubs are fun though, although I am more of a fan of lynching clubs.
Cheesy balls, you say?
Must look into this book club lark...
I question the existence of anal rape. Doesn't everyone like it up the shitter?
"Ripped arseholes in Kabul"?!?

You stole my fucking screenplay!
Yeah like those bints who say that Naomi Wolf's "Beauty Myth" is thier favourite book. Cos obviously it shows how "like totally clued up and feminist" they are.

Odd. The book clubs I've attended have all been thinly-veiled excuses to get twatted at lunchtime.

Don't recall what the ball scratching situation was. But then I can't remember getting home either, but I still woke up on my living room floor with no trousers and a book covered in vomit.
It is of course only a matter of time before Emerald Bile put out one of those weblooks or bloogs or boogers or whatever they are called, namely a book based on a weblog. As soon as this happens, Noreen will eat her words, lick her aubergine-coloured lips and smile seraphically as she attends signings all over the world and plonks her paw-print in endless printed copies of her rantings for the dubious benefit of future celto-chicklit collectors and anti-punctuation campaigners. "And who should I make it out to, is that Hawtrey with a u or with a y, yes, that is Ball Bag over there, say hello, Ball Bag." (Ball Bag scratches ball) "Of course we're all very proud since he got his pubes shaved, it is very important for his Art that distractions from itchy nethers are minimised to the greatest possible extent, you did say with a w didn't you dear?" (Ball Bag scratches another ball) "Of course it is a privilege to be here in Weston-super-Mare, Kentucky and we both thank you ever so much" (Ball Bag scratches bag) "and don't tell anyone will you but we hope to return with the sequel next year and that will be accompanied by a reprint especially for the kiddies with almost as many commas as the original edition..."

Don't imagine it can't happen, that's all.
Is that really what they read at reading clubs? It's a good thing I never joined one. Maybe I shoudl look into eating clubs or something.
A furtive scratch of the balls is difficult, truly. However, the ol' "one cheek sneak," after a tiffin, is less of a challange. Unless, of course, the build-up is quite voluminous. Embarrassing, to say the very least.
The Monkees were cunts, and so was that cunt on "Monkey Magic". I just watched the whole of Head and there was no head at all.
What, after all, is a blog comments box but a virtual Book Club where everyone is free to fart as discreetly or indiscreetly as he or she sees fit, and to scratch his or her balls to their hearts' content?

I often wonder.
I've never been to a book club, but you make it sound, well, almost fun. Lots of verbal sparring, all rounded off with a food fight with the cheese balls. Why don't you pick the book next time, so you can avoid talking about ripped arseholes in Kabul, if that ruins your appetite.
Speaking of anal rape...

I tried to read some god-awful piece of bog-Irish boo-hoo-hoo called "Angela's Ashes" once. I was hoping for a scene where Da reels in from the pub stone drunk, brutally sodomises Angela in front of the kids, and says "Remember - that's the only way to do it so they won't get fucking pregnant!"

But it didn't happen.
Since the book is called Angela's Ashes, I would at least have expected some ravishment of her urn. Post-cremation buggery is another effective contraception method, although a bit hazardous for asthmatics.
Ah, I fondly remember that catechism class, "Up the bum, no babies." The priest was kind enough to demonstrate it for us.

"Angela's Ashes" had funny bits; I liked the part where he barfed up Jesus in the yard, and banged the lunger.
I thought Angela's Ashes was about a cricket widow.
Well, that is what it's about, isn't it? "He barfed up Jesus in the yard, and banged the lunger" sounds like something from the game that gave us such terms as Silly Mid Off, Leg Stump and Darryl Hair.
Just don't forget to wash your sticky wicket after the anal sex.
yea, and piss your shit cork out otherwise you will have a nasty blockage!
Again, I agree with Noreen. Having a mixed book club would be like allowing fathers into a mothers group. It wouldn't work. I hate book clubs anyway. I'd rather read a book by myself without the pressure of having to 'discuss' it with a group of pretensious sluts who think they somehow validate themselves by choosing the most boring books about an Afghani tribal woman who's tits were blown off in a Taliban raid only to fall in love with her American rescuer who bundles her off to live in his parents outhouse. Sluts! Who gives a shit anyway?
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