Emerald Bile

My Catholic education had very little to do with the bible - I spent a lot of time drawing pictures of saints and talking about saints and miracles. I liked the fact that there was very little reference to literature in my religious upbringing, and instead of banging on about the bible, one could develop a stalker like fetish for one particular incarnation of holiness and with that obsessive devotion, bypass all boring theological discussions about transubstantiation, purgatory and divine retribution, simply by fielding an obscure fact about your own special holy person. I had a passing fondness for St Francis of Assissi, my sister Maud aimed higher,and used to draw pictures of the Infant of Prague on her thumb.

My least favourite person in the bible is Noah, whom I do not count as a saint, I think he was a cunt. I'd rather have ten King Herods and twenty eight Judases than that old fool. What a kiss-arse he was, getting the tip off that the world was about to end, what a great god-sucking creep. He wasn't the personification of generosity either, building that great big boat to look out for number one and his offspring - a bigger man would have offered a few of the less sinful community a lift on it, but that apart, my greatest problem with the white bearded old anus is the fact that he filled that fucking boat with animals. I like animals very much- I don't eat them and I am kind to them, but I can't fucking stand people who go around saving endangered species and interfering with the course of nature. Pandas are shite - hopeless both at shagging and eating, the two best things in life - let the bastards die out!. Giraffes are useless, gawky creatures with nasty soft horns that make me feel slightly ill. Elephants smell really bad. If the world were going to end and I had the opportunity to allow it to get created all over again I would leave it animal free and see if some new ones appeared. The dinosaurs died out and I am perfectly delighted about that - my love of lizards doesn't extend to Godzilla, and I do not cry about the lack of pterodactyls on my bird table. Equally, if a flood were going to carry off a few cows and sheep and lions, I would take it like a man, and instead of snivelling about change,look forward to a new wave of creatures, maybe with pink velour pelts, or rubber- coated, bouncing, spawn- laying multi-terrain animals that lactate tea. If Noah is an invention, then he is a dreadfully shit character in a bad story, if he was real then he was God's own Almighty cunt
Noreen