Sunday, April 29, 2007
AnaCONdas
So I decided to try and like snakes - but I will never find it in my heart to like small snakes, however venomous they might claim to be. The one snake I felt able to raise a flicker of feeling for was the anaconda, so I found this documentary called "Duel of the swamp - Caimans and anaconadas".
Really, that sounded like my dream television programme, a whole hour of raw, natural violence, I fucking love that sort of thing. It started offf brilliantly with a caiman in a swamp looking at an anaconda on the ground, and then the two animals sniffed at each other and glared at each other a bit and then buggered off.A bit later they were back - this time the anaconda was in the water and the Caiman was on the bank, gaping, and then there was a scuffle, and the caiman took the anaconda in its jaws and sort of thrashed it around, walloping the enormous snake on the ground, and then hundreds of caimans appeared just out of nowhere from the pond, and they all grabbed at the anaconda with their great big vicious teeth and tore slices off it, and took the pieces of anaconda meat into the water to make it rot and soften, so it would be easier to eat, and it was just fucking brilliant to watch, really. I hope I am expressing to you just how very much indeed I enjoyed watching that.
Then there was a break in the programme after half an hour of Caimans fighting with and then eating anacondas, so, logically the viewer could expect the reverse to be the case in the second half of the programme - that the anaconda would then have a fight with the caiman, and swallow the creature whole. Anacondas love to swallow things whole, it is what they do - and they are dirty great big fuckers that can eat really enormous things. I have heard about anacondas getting out of swamps - swallowing an entire cow without chewing it, and just getting back there in the swamp water, all bloated and full. If I am being really honest, rather than watching the anaconda eat the caiman, the ideal programme for me would be where the anaconda eats the cameraman whole, and you would get this incredible view of the big dislocated snake- mouth wrapping itself around the camera, which itself would be shaking to fuck because of the abject fear of the man holding the camera who was being eaten, but I have realistic expectations - it isn't that likely to happen. Shame - it would be a fucking great show, that would.
Anyway, when I watch a programme about anacondas, I expect to see some swallowing of whole things going on. And in a programme called "Duel of the swamp" the viewer expects a bit of equality - the caiman wins, then the anaconda wins. For if that balance of power did not exist, caimans and anacondas would not be sharing the swamp - would they? No. There would be EITHER caimans, OR anacondas in the swamp, not both. The fact the the two creatures are so evenly matched, explains their living together in close quarters whilst hating each others guts. But did the anaconda eat the caiman? No it did not. It slithered around and then it shagged another anaconda and gave birth to about a million babies. I am fucking livid. The discovery channel can fuck off, the boring gay, touchy feely cunts. "Duel of the swamp" - "A small fight,followed by a mincing tedious knocking shop and creche in the swamp", more like.
Noreen
Really, that sounded like my dream television programme, a whole hour of raw, natural violence, I fucking love that sort of thing. It started offf brilliantly with a caiman in a swamp looking at an anaconda on the ground, and then the two animals sniffed at each other and glared at each other a bit and then buggered off.A bit later they were back - this time the anaconda was in the water and the Caiman was on the bank, gaping, and then there was a scuffle, and the caiman took the anaconda in its jaws and sort of thrashed it around, walloping the enormous snake on the ground, and then hundreds of caimans appeared just out of nowhere from the pond, and they all grabbed at the anaconda with their great big vicious teeth and tore slices off it, and took the pieces of anaconda meat into the water to make it rot and soften, so it would be easier to eat, and it was just fucking brilliant to watch, really. I hope I am expressing to you just how very much indeed I enjoyed watching that.
Then there was a break in the programme after half an hour of Caimans fighting with and then eating anacondas, so, logically the viewer could expect the reverse to be the case in the second half of the programme - that the anaconda would then have a fight with the caiman, and swallow the creature whole. Anacondas love to swallow things whole, it is what they do - and they are dirty great big fuckers that can eat really enormous things. I have heard about anacondas getting out of swamps - swallowing an entire cow without chewing it, and just getting back there in the swamp water, all bloated and full. If I am being really honest, rather than watching the anaconda eat the caiman, the ideal programme for me would be where the anaconda eats the cameraman whole, and you would get this incredible view of the big dislocated snake- mouth wrapping itself around the camera, which itself would be shaking to fuck because of the abject fear of the man holding the camera who was being eaten, but I have realistic expectations - it isn't that likely to happen. Shame - it would be a fucking great show, that would.
Anyway, when I watch a programme about anacondas, I expect to see some swallowing of whole things going on. And in a programme called "Duel of the swamp" the viewer expects a bit of equality - the caiman wins, then the anaconda wins. For if that balance of power did not exist, caimans and anacondas would not be sharing the swamp - would they? No. There would be EITHER caimans, OR anacondas in the swamp, not both. The fact the the two creatures are so evenly matched, explains their living together in close quarters whilst hating each others guts. But did the anaconda eat the caiman? No it did not. It slithered around and then it shagged another anaconda and gave birth to about a million babies. I am fucking livid. The discovery channel can fuck off, the boring gay, touchy feely cunts. "Duel of the swamp" - "A small fight,followed by a mincing tedious knocking shop and creche in the swamp", more like.
Noreen
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You are quite right to draw attention to this kind of disgraceful con, which is all too common on tv nowadays.
Look at all those quizzes. By the time you roll in from the pub, pissed, and phone up to win the cash, the prize has long since been awarded to the producer's mum, who spent it on a week in Bermuda and a male gigolo called Justin.
I watched one called 'Battle of the insects' or something like that, which mainly consisted of ants carrying away huge beetles, stick insects, buffaloes and suchlike, without ANY retribution whatever.
I was expecting those fat fucking beetles to hide up trees and fall on the ants, crushing them with a variety of lovely squishing sounds, but it never happened. Oh yeah, they like to fight each other like football hooligans 'You're gonna get your fucking antenna ripped off'.
But there were no real battles, I felt violated.
Look at all those quizzes. By the time you roll in from the pub, pissed, and phone up to win the cash, the prize has long since been awarded to the producer's mum, who spent it on a week in Bermuda and a male gigolo called Justin.
I watched one called 'Battle of the insects' or something like that, which mainly consisted of ants carrying away huge beetles, stick insects, buffaloes and suchlike, without ANY retribution whatever.
I was expecting those fat fucking beetles to hide up trees and fall on the ants, crushing them with a variety of lovely squishing sounds, but it never happened. Oh yeah, they like to fight each other like football hooligans 'You're gonna get your fucking antenna ripped off'.
But there were no real battles, I felt violated.
# posted by 
: 4:34 PM
: 4:34 PM
You dozy bint - having large numbers of babies is a vital part of the process of fighting. In human terms, if you a a speccy wimp who gets sand kicked in the face at the beach, but you manage to convince all the chicks that you are the son of God, or a cool rockstar, or some such bollocks, and therefore get to knock them up, then you have won the fight despite appearances.
# posted by : 8:43 PM
: 8:43 PM
This here http://www.criticalmiami.com/index.php?id=236 would have made the show much better.
# posted by : 12:50 AM
: 12:50 AM
You should try a dose of that shit they call Eastenders! Teritorial fights every time. Not so much of the "Getting knocked up" bit. But still......
# posted by : 1:18 PM
: 1:18 PM
A good scene would have been the anaconda swallowing the caiman whole, followed by the caiman eating its way out of the snake from the inside.
# posted by : 6:57 PM
: 6:57 PM
There was a programme about japanese killer bees a while back - a couple of 'em invaded a hive full of European bees, and massacred the bastards.
Doubtless it'll be repeated endlessly on Discovery
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Doubtless it'll be repeated endlessly on Discovery
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