Thursday, June 07, 2007

 

Bond Films are fucking wank

I absolutely fucking hate Bond films. The ridiculous amount of excitement generated each time that half- witted middle- aged goon wheels himself out, yet again, to chase improbable villains, and shag cardboard- cut- out casino totty, or women who fuck up some operation he is involved in and then die a hideous, violent death - that ludicrous hype makes me want to shit.

And the villains - instead of being rag head lunatics or peculiar little men with computers, are always these blinging New Russian types. In real life these villains would be utterly preoccupied with buying Prada manbags or Bulgari bracelets, or building a vast fuck-off mansion in Surrey. But in Bond films, they actually run around with guns and do evil deeds.

And I hate the fact that women drool over that cunt Bond. He is a greasy older bloke who spends a lot of time in uniform or black tie - both outfits that I fucking despise. Men who wear uniforms are generally moronic tunnel-visioned cunts, men who wear black tie are socially ambitious, oily twats, who either have their hand up your skirt at the table, or are hanging around the toilets hoping to look at some cock.

And that Bond - he wafts around parties which frankly look like hell - being monosyllabic - drinking cocktails, which is a red card in itself, and occasionally punching someone or crawling through a hole. In reality - Mr Bond should be sitting in a shitty safe house in Basra, sleeping in a dorm, surrounded by trained monkeys cleaning their guns at the table, and occasionally driving out for a picnic in the sand with some jumped up despot. Or sitting cramped on the Victoria line tube at rush hour, or on a Saturday because some gay war has broken out, and he would probably have to do his own typing and not have that pudding faced whore Moneypenny fawning over him.

And what about when they got the blonde one in and that was a cause of media ga ga hell. "Oh can we have a Bond who does not have black hair?" "Oh no - a blonde one will be odd". Fuck off. They need some florid, slightly fat, greasy haired bloke who smells faintly of wine, or a fierce goggle-eyed blue stocking bird who talks in acronyms - that would be amusing.
Fucking Bond films, fucking fuck off
Noreen

Comments:
"Bond Films are fucking wank"

Noreen, you are infallible, except about poetry, and I want to marry you.

Speaking of which, here is a good poem:

Senex

Oh would I could subdue the flesh
Which sadly troubles me!
And then perhaps could view the flesh
As though I never knew the flesh
And merry misery.

To see the golden hiking girl
With wind about her hair,
The tennis-playing, biking girl,
The wholly-to-my-liking girl,
To see and not to care.

At sundown on my tricycle
I tour the Borough’s edge,
And icy as an icicle
See bicycle by bicycle
Stacked waiting in the hedge.

Get down from me! I thunder there,
You spaniels! Shut your jaws!
Your teeth are stuffed with underwear,
Suspenders torn asunder there
And buttocks in your paws!

Oh whip the dogs away my Lord,
They make me ill with lust.
Bend bare knees down to pray, my Lord,
Teach sulky lips to say, my Lord,
That flaxen hair is dust.


(It works best when read out loud in the voice of the Reverend Ian Paisley.)
 
Fuck Bond. Fuck stupid poems.

I want to hear more about Maud!
 
"Come into the garden, Maud, for the black bat, night, has flown."

Bond is tedious. Everyone knows that.
 
Noreen is absolutely right. Interestingly enough, Ian Fleming, who started the whole dismal story with his novel Casino Royale (a "harsh, serious book" according to somebody at the Guardian who apparently confuses harshness with public-school sadism and seriousness with approximately the same), was a florid, slightly fat, greasy-haired (they're called apostrophes, Noreen) bloke who very probably smelled faintly of wine.
 
Bond films are good, light hearted, safe, easy watchable films. They are not at all real in any sence.
Your bleeting on about how in REAL LIFE he would be "sitting in a shitty safe house in Basra".....Its just for shits and giggles.

You are a boring cunt with the sence of humor of a rotting shit!

Your the type of TWIT who watches all the Soap operas and then phones up there best friend and recalls the the whole soap over and over again. "Did you see that barry this...." and "Who did Peggy" that....

Leave bond films alone there OK.
 
Oh shut your miserable Bond loving face, Eddie you cock. Bond films are pure shite - they portray women in the most awful two dimensional light - which to a cock- loving chauvinist arsehole moron caveman like you - probably makes you feel comfortable, and provides a break between thinking about sex - adjusting your scrotum and wondering whehn and what you are next going to eat.
Bond films glamorise the intelligence services which are packed to the gunnels, with tedious cunts, and Bond was also a naval officer - which in my opinion is a fucking ticket to twat land, as I fucking hate the Navy- chock full of utter tits.
Soap operas I agree with you. I can't be doing with them because, like bond films, they are full of moronic stereotypes - which makes me wonder why you hate them so much. Ah yes, of course - because they are aimed at women and you are a misogynist cunt. Fuck off you cretin - go and play guns or something - try operating one with your toes and putting the barrel in your mouth. Fucking cunt
Noreen
 
I'm rather puzzled now. I thought they liked Bond in Britain. Or maybe it's because you're an Irishwoman? Those movies are all atrocious, I grant you, but they're harmless, compensating fantasy for a people who had to make the transition from splendiferous empire to miserable wet island. Albion went down quietly, and with some dignity to boot. It could have been much worse--witness the collapse of the Soviets and the Third World.

Seen in this light, that entire Bond wankery is a small price to pay.

But there are limits to everything. Understanding as I may be, I just cannot put up with the sheer awfulness of that lanky dildo Roger Moore.
 
What ever makes you think that women are MORE than two dimensional?

There self obsessed, self opinionated whores that deserve no more than painfull sex in every hole!
 
Wasn't Bond a Jock? What was he doing whoring for the Brits anyway??
 
Oh my God Noreen is so fucking right - I can't even begin to describe how totally fucking right she actually really is.

Christ. Few things make me more genocidal than a "who's the best Bond" discussion - as if they aren't all shit-eating frauds.

What -- am I supposed to be impressed by a silly spy-story suitable for a five-year old boy, where you know exactly what's going to happen half an hour before it does, just because they throw in a few exploding cars, and have some arsehole waggling his eyebrow playing the lead?

What a load of utter arse-rape.
 
Wasn't Bond a Jock? What was he doing whoring for the Brits anyway??

Bond was indeed a Jock, or a Scot as they say who do not live inside American sophomore changing rooms.

What was he doing whoring for the Brits anyway??

Scots are natives of Scotland, which is a country occupying the northern part of Great Britain, the largest of the British Isles. Scotland is also part of the United Kingdom, or "Britain" as it is vulgarly known. Hence, Scots are Brits, even though they are not English.
 
You make me swoon
 
Phillip sez:
'Hence, Scots are Brits, even though they are not English.'

In complete agreement with you on that fine semantic point -- just that I wouldn't advise any of the locals 'down the Gallowgate' of that. They might tend to overlook that technicality...
 
A jock does not spend a great deal of time in "changing rooms," Philip. (By the way, they call them lockers here) They are to be found in the weights rooms of campus gyms. Then, they change their clothes, and head to a keg stand. Or throw an oval ball at each other.
 
You have to admit though, Holly Goodhead and Plenty O'Toole were cracking names.
And they are chock full of great toys; midget submarines, flat pack helicopters, blowdart pens, underwater cars.
Noreen, I urge you, in the name of common humanity, to reconsider.
 
Incidentally, these people strongly disagree with most of us here. I suspect "we" don't still need 007; rather, they need a way to justify their inexplicable employment as film studies eggheads (yes, an oxymoron if there ever was one).

Note that the book was published in the Smart Pop series. Another oxymoron -- or is it a paradox? But then no-good humanities professors always revel in that kind of contradiction.
 
I kind of liked the last Bond film, especially the scene where they tortured him, sitting naked in a chair without a -seat? Whack! with a weight on a rope. It gave me ideas. I was going to throw out a broken-seated chair, but decided it might come in handy one of these days. Re: the film. They did kill the heroine in a horrid fashion? Then Bond trys mouth-to-mouth or CPR or something, but doesen't empty her lungs first. Moran.
 
Noreen's right: all those Bond films were rank.
Every one of them quite simply stank.
And Connery, like Moore,
Is a smug-arsed ould hoor.
Oh, Bond films are such fucking wank.
 
The Bond films are mere candy-floss:
One-liners, stunts, guns, gals and gloss.
The violence is dud,
And the sex has no blood;
Oh, Bond films are such fucking toss.
 
Ian Fleming, by way of good looks,
Had little but wrinkles and nooks;
And, as man of letters
He does have his betters,
Like me, as you'll see. Buy my books.
 
Alright Noreen, you win; I see the error of my ways: poetry is indeed ghastly.
 
You lot are fucking idiots!!
Bleeting out poetry to justify your hate for bond films!. You make it sound as if their real life episodes of a real government agent! CUNTS!!
Its called "entertainment" you boring fags!
Oh sorry did i use a swear word...ENTERTINMENT!!!

You lot obviously lack any amusment in your sad life. I know!.... look in your underpants I bet theirs pleanty of entertainment their, even if it is a small amount!!
 
Their their, Eddie. At least Fleming could spell.
 
FACT: If James Bond and Germaine Greer spawned a child, it would be James Bond.
 
Men who wear uniforms are generally moronic tunnel-visioned cunts

I currently have a fatwa out on bus drivers, those uniformed wearing nazi fuckers.
 
Ian Fleming's a pain in the bum,
And his name's a most misleading one -
He writes not of Bond coughing
But continually boffing,
Which produces, alas, not phlegm but come.
 
I'm scared of Eddie. I must find out if he's joking or truly is some hysterical, cock noshing, Bond-infected, banality junkie.
 
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