Emerald Bile

"Poor Gordon Brown", said my insane mother. "What a start! Terrorism and then all of these dreadful floods". Poor my arse. I can't bear people who accept masses of responsibility and then whine about having to do a stroke of work, it shows such a mammoth lack of foresight. If I took the job of being a prime minister, which, by the way, I certainly fucking well would not, as I like to avoid responsibility at all costs, then I would accept that if I took a job like that on and the country was already at fucking war, the national health service had turned from just being lots of grubby workhouse-style hospitals and harassed alcoholic doctors, to a full-blown jihad training camp, and the country is known to be a rainy place - well then I would just get on with it and be pleased that my private secretaries - instead of sitting about whining "It's July - I'm bored, there's nothing to do", all sitting around twidling their pens, would actually be running around earning their keep. If Mr Brown had started the job last year, it was all "hosepipe bans" and people fainting in the cinema from the heat, and lots of venture capitalists wondering if there might be a market for air conditioning in England after all - totally as dull as fuck. This is a much better year for the spice.

The one sad thing is that the Americans got there first with the flooding business - all we fucking heard about for months were those tedious people crying and going on and on about levvys. It spoilt me - the New Orleans thing, now I have flood fatigue. Seriously - if I see another granny in a dinghy on the TV I think I will need a lie down. And as for people sleeping in schools - fuck away off with it. And looting - this lot aren't even looting. The best thing about floods is the looting. And what about those fucking smug journalists standing on a bit of high ground in a North Face Jacket pretending to look all concerned? Fuck off - the lot of you. Floods=shit

If I were Gordon Brown, I would try and engineer Scotch mountain Ben Nevis, or that large one in Wales to erupt and cover a town in lava. And then I would dig out all the grimacing petrified bodies and make a big fuck- off museum and charge people loads to look at the wizened dead people, and make a song and a dance about the opening of the museum, and get my PR bitches to cover the internet with pictures of me standing next to corpses, and then I would rebuild the town and rename it Brown Town and then people would be impressed - that's hitting the ground running.

Noreen