Emerald Bile

Usually I write about things I hate, because there are so many things that drive me fucking insane. From the irritating and niggly tics of my co workers to the very word co worker (how gay), via the environment, politics, weather, media, food, language oddities, crazes and fads and "personalities" that are forced upon us by the fact of our existence, in this time, in this place - there are so many things that are so very fucking incredibly annoying I could shit.

There is a vast choice of things to be irritated by, it is true, but negativity alone is like chips without ketchup - just missing a little something, so I thought I would tell you fuckers about something I enjoy massively.

It is Dog the Bounty Hunter - a television programme featuring tattooed, religious-maniac gypsies in Hawaii, going around all trussed up in body armour, waving cans of mace and alternately swearing like sailors then having a prayer session on the roadside. The woman in it, Beth, has the most enormous bosooms I have ever seen in my life. They have a life of their own, each one of them and she hoiks them up with a belt cinched around her waist and displays them to the world in clinging, plunging tops showing a cleavage that runs from her chin to her belly button.

So, this one, the woman with the vast tits, her husband who has long hair combed over a thin patch at the back, her stepsons and step daughter and a random bloke are all Bounty Hunters - which means thet they drive around in huge 4 x 4 cars, looking for people who have not kept to the terms and conditions of their bail. And they are giving it all the large talk there in the car, the team of hunters: "Look at the photo of this here person" one of them says "what a loser - what a face with evil in it". "Oh yes" says the large woman "That one has no hope at all". "Let's catch them then and bring them in - ooh here we come all after yous evil bastards!". But once they get the poor, miserable junkie or whoever it is that has forgotten to go to court, the tune changes entirely.

"You are exactly like me " says Dog the bounty hunter, a long haired, strutting thug with a penchant for leather, and with feathers braided into his fringe, as he handcuffs the defendant's wrists behind his back. "But you do not have the religion. Get the religion and let Our Lord into your life and everything will be fine and you'll go to jail for a bit, and they will let you out and you'll be fine". Then there is a bit of hugging, the bounty hunters light a fag for the criminal and shove it in his gob - and while he is incapitated by a lungful of fumes, because his hands are cuffed and he can't take the cigarette out to exhale - they start on with the Jesus stuff.

"You must not take drugs - Jesus told me to say that" says Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yes" says Beth the large woman, "And stop walloping that poor whore of a wife of yours". Then the dim son with a pigtail pipes up: "My dad here took the drugs - and look at the skin on him now! Honestly - you'll be better off without those crack pipes and whatnot". By now the poor criminal has smoke coming out of both nostrils and is beside himself to get into the jail, where there will be crackpipes and sex in the showers and fighting and no God bothering whatsoever, so the criminal decides to act all peculiar and says: "Yes Dog and family you are entirely right and I will go into that court house over there and mend my ways". So the criminal rushes himself into the court house as fast as he can move and Dog and Co wave him off - yelling bits of religious dogma and trite advice after him.

After that there is a bit of back patting and I told-you-soing from the Dog brigade, then they go off and buy strange clothes, or drive to the beach or count their children.

I am quite sure that Dog the Bounty Hunter is not a Catholic, which in itself means that his bleatings on about Jesus and stuff are a total waste of time.mAnd what is more- when Dog The Bounty Hunter goes into the fires of hell like all other protestants or methodists or whatever other type of non-Catholics there are in America- there will be a large crowd of criminals he caught and handed over to the authorities, waiting to fuck him in the arse, and set his long lacquered hair alight. It is my favourite programme on the television.

Noreen