Sunday, September 30, 2007


The timescale of love

I remain furious at being in my thirties - the tedious decade of serious po-faced hell where woman wave their shrivelling ovaries about and men just get fatter and more dull. I'm lucky, in the sense that I got married when I was very young, but if I had not got married then - I would never have got married because although I sound exactly like my mother - if you don't get getting married over with, by the time you are twenty five - you are fucked.

The reason is this - at twenty six - women start to feel like they are "in a place" to settle down - they feel sprightly enough to face the entire day of hideous gruelling pain that is childbirth, and convince themselves that the dolty boy they are dating is interesting enough to watch- watch sport for the rest of their days. So the girl gets excited - tells her mates she is ready to settle down, that they should start planning the hen occasion, and buying pieces of genital shaped chocolate, and that they need to think about what they will wear on the big day.

The trouble is, that men at that age have generally managed to earn just about enough money to buy a stupid large television, or some overpriced shoes, and they have a gaggle of idiot friends called "Pie face" and "Shedders" that they can go skiing with and fight over who gets to fuck the chalet girl. In short - these men start to have a fairly high opinion of what type of a catch they really are. The spots of adolescence may have faded to silvery pock marks. A few extra quid here and there will help mask the aura of fucking tedious spoddery that may have lingered on in the early twenties, and money will always attract the gash, and the bloke might just start to swagger about a bit and fancy himself rotten, or declare himself to have "an edge" which staggeringly does seem to pull some women. Idiot ones, but still, cat is cat.

The girlfriend, on the other hand, will start leaving magazines around open on the diamond pages and trying to drag the bloke off for country weekends spent picking flowers and walking in the dark, hoping for the big moment - and if she is bloody minded enough, she will keep this behaviour up as far as the age of about thirty two when she will give up on the idea of marriage, settle for whatever else she is doing in life as the meaning for her existence - start thinking about adopting Chinese babies or a slightly itinerant lifestyle, or opening a shop in the country or "writing a book" or whatever, but it sure won't involve the silly boy of her late twenties.

At this point the male immediately sets out to couple up and breed. If the woman hasn't been strong minded enough to give her idiot the elbow, he will start pestering the girlfriend to start IVF or get married and move miles away from all of her friends and work, and just moon around after him. By this point in the chick's career she might be doing rather well for herself and be enjoying success that she herself has earned, rather than waiting around for happiness that depends on some balding, conceited cunt, so she will either tell him to shove it and move abroad and start dating much younger men, or she will settle for his idiot plan and spend the rest of her life waiting for him to die, whilst making her children's lives an utter misery, because she has devoted her life to meeting the needs of her moron partner, neglected her own dreams and basically resigned herself to the life of an emotional zombie. This won't entirely pass the male by, who, after congratulating himself for having been big enough to marry the whore, will then be confused as to why she isn't beside herself with gratitude. This confusion will turn to anger, which will spur him on to go out and find someone who jolly well does appreciate him. Once he has cleared off, the wife will be stuck in the arse of the country with kids she didn't actually want, and the man will feel slighted that, by doing the right thing, he actually did the wrong thing, but still out of bloody mindedness and a desperation to prove that he was right after all, will then proceed to ruin the life of his second wife, by hurrying her into the breeding- moving-to -the -country -where -he -watches- her- for -signs- of -happiness cycle, again, being disappointed when she seems unhappy, fucking off and repeating until his money runs out, or he alternatively he will give up on women entirely, and actually discover that he is quite happy without them.

I am forever listening to people going on "The only point of being alive is to form relationships with other people" I don't agree one bit - people are a fucking nause and quite why they think it is okay to team up and breed more people out of boredom or misery, I can only imagine it is out of unspeakable arrogance. That is all.

Noreen is right, Anonymous is annoyed, and all is well with the world. Except for the men. And the women. And the children.
I agree to an extent, men in there thirties without children are arrogant dicks. I disagree on the marriage thing, the only reason a woman should ever get married before 35 is if she got caught and is up the duff other than that why the fuck bother. You save yourself 10-15 years of mental torture and people who marry young are invariable poor for the first few years so life is a constant struggle between trying to drag up your kids, get your bloke to come home form the pub or convince him that his team winning the premiership is not as important as the birth of his first nipper. At least when you are older you’ll have a house and financial stability plus kids are for life not just for Christmas so by waiting until you are older you reduce the time you have to look at their moany little mugs significantly. Nooo what you need to do if you want kids is marry either an older wealthy man who is about to die, spawn a few sprogs and when he crokes you are set up for life or marry a much younger man about 21 and train him well by the time he hits his thirties he be shit scared of you. Alternatively don’t get married why have one when you can have many if one should utter any backchat give him the bullet and move on!
Following the Noreen Comma, we now have the Noreen Hyphen. That first paragraph is like something from Emily Dickinson.
Her gall bladder, perhaps.
"....[A]n eccentric, dreamy, half-educated recluse in an out-of-the-way New England village (or anywhere else) cannot with impunity set at defiance the laws of gravitation and grammar."

- Thomas Bailey Aldrich, on observing Noreen in a crystal ball.
It's not the Noreen Hyphen, of course, it's the Noreen Dash.

Money -
will always
- the gash,-

But Love
will always
make Noreen
- dash.

Except for such mini-epics of almost-joined-up thinking as: the breeding- moving-to -the -country -where -he -watches- her- for -signs- of -happiness cycle

Punctuation is rife, in-
Cluding the hyphen.
LOl what a bunch of pedantic sad cunts PHILIP and Audrey Hawtrey are.

The pair of them actually have no decent opinion to call their own so they're spending their time picking on Noreen's use of Hyphens.

Really, are your lives THAT boring? If you don't like someone's blog then don't read it. Get some perspective and spend your time berrating people with views that actually deserve it, such as racists.
Anonymous is a fascinating unpedantic joyful cunt with a thrilling life, a perspective, and opinions to call his own.

True, he can't spell "berating", but then nobody's poifect.

P.S. It's high time someone had the guts to stand up and say it out loud: racists like totally suck.
Oh noes i spelt berrating incorrectly, fucking boo hoo wah wah etc.

Seriously, if all you have in life to make you feel good is by picking on the spelling of others then my heart takes steaming bleeding shits for you lovely.

Misogynist wanker
Now now girls. No fighting in the play-ground!

oooh a dash!
Hello Noreen, bad day was it? Belgian chocolate usually does the trick my female friends tell me.
Fucking racists! I hate them because they hate people!
You motherfucking commenters can all fuck off you cunts this is one of Noreen's better fucking posts and all you fuckers can do is fucking bitch and moan to each other about total fucking shit it is a fucking liberty is what it is and that is saying something why can't you fuckers just lie down like the lion with the fucking lamb and have a good time I mean what the fuck is wong with you this post is a great primal scream of anguish from a thirty something Irish chick and it should be made into a rap or a hard rock musical or something but oh no that is not for you you prefer to all comment to each other about nothing Noreen is I mean an artist and that is all.
Get a life.
BREAKING: Court denies Noreen custody of her post. Noreen ordered to go into rehab.
By golly, welcome back! Jeez, I thought you skipped out on a slow boat to Indonesia. ---Anyway, it's interesting your latest posturing brings broad illumination to the fact that life's lacking, in so many ways. Been there myself, without the breeding, thank whomever. A bit of bloody luck on my part, perhaps. After a time or two I realized happiness cannot hinge upon another. What's the point? In time she'll call me a filthy name and insist my mother had lots in common with Mary Magdellan, sans ever meeting Jesus.
Oh, of course, there'd be much more. Generally, baseless accusations would ensue that I'd made it with a female co-worker or flipped the script to cop a male boss's binky. Not pretty! Say nothing of the sweaty palms, the angst, and the realization I Must Get Out Immediately. Life in an instant turns to excrement. So, the answer to which you astutely allude is to remain entirely single --- and avoid someone else's soiled underwear and disgusting underclass habits.
Bless you babe, you have arrived!
I never get funny anonymous cunts, all I get is wankers telling me its wrong to execute retards, insult the lord high pedo (the pope) and jokes about cancer are bad.

I think marriage and that vow shite spoils everything, I also thing there should be a spay and neuter program for chavs and Africa. Good punctuation and correct spelling are for those who are impotent with rage, that's in the bible you know.
Now I know what happened to Ball Bag. He knocked up the chalet girl and took a long walk in the dark. What unspeakable arrogance.

Biiter balls may be a cunt, but he is right, and Morroco is in Africa after all.
many single Irish guys in their 30s are cunts and full of themselves even if they are fucking ugly, they tend to congretage in smelly bars leering at barmaids and the like. I wish they would fuck off and look in a mirror
Your rants are usually hilarious in an over-the-top, bombastic, histrionic kind of way... But this one is poignant. One of your best..

Welcome back.
That is a work worthy of the highest literary merit! I'm a 34 year old bloke, single, bitter, naive, gagging for it, sometimes full of myself, sometimes full of despair. My view of our society as a sick aberration of life might have something to do with me not getting laid. My life to this point has been solely dedicated to self-gratification/glorification. I might want kids when I'm 75. That should be amusing.
Noreen, I fucking love you. If I was a publisher or a TV exec I'd offer you a wodge of cash to come and do something huge, but sadly I am only a twat who works for an investment bank.

You rule.
God. You are so right. The other night I was in a bar. There was an average looking shortish baldingish man in his fifties. He started chatting me up. I'm in 40's. A few years ago I wouldn't have given him the time of day. But I've started to think, I'm not getting any younger, I must be reasonable, grown up etc about my expectations. However five minutes later this 25 year old tall thin girl who is married with 2 kids came up. She was part of our crowd. He instantly dropped me and moved in on her. I looked on in amazement. Why? Why? Why? did this nobody think he merited her. She was way beyond him. She was married, gorgeous and young and yet this old twat had this amazing sense of entitlement. He actually thought he had a chance. Wanker.
So I, the woman he did have a miniscule chance with and only because I've totally lowered my standards and am desperate, walked away.
Men are horrible. There I've said it.
Marriange at any age means COMMITTMENT.
...of course so does insanity!
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