Friday, April 25, 2008
Noreen: Excuse me - do you have any pantyhose*?
Shopwoman: Yes, over there in the corner
Shopwoman: You're welcome
Noreen: Sorry, do you have any pantyhose* in a chocolate brown** colour
Shopwoman: Yes, I think we do. Excuse me, are you plus-sized?
Shopwoman: (slowly as if speaking to a retard) Plus-sized.
Noreen: What, like fat***?
Shopwoman: What size do you wear Ma'am?
Noreen: Well it depends entirely on the shop. normally a 6**** but in Marks and Spencers they cut large, so I can squeeze my lower half into a 4****. I've large shoulders AND big tits though so if it's a shirt - well I make a point of trying it on and I've arms like a monkey as well - so you can never be too careful. I can't go near a Top Shop shirt they are cut for ironing boards with slopey shoulders, but a Thomas Pink one has decent sized darts in that can accommodate anything up to a D cup, which is more realistic, as women with big tits are more likely to wear proper shirts, especially over a certain age. But you have to cough up for a Pink shirt - the thieving so and sos - I'm sure they make them in China and get orphans to sew them just like everyone else, but dear god do they make you pay for it! And what is it with assuming all women have stump arms - I mean some of us are more gangly and I don't want cuffs up round my elbows, I have a thing about wrists, those nasty bones that stick out give me the creeps - I dont want to look at that, a shirt should button just below the hand........ ****
At this point the woman was looking glazed so I stopped my shop chat and smiled at her - waiting for her to explain the plus sized thing or get my tights or something
Shopwoman: "This is a Plus-Sized Store ma'am". Avenue??*****
Noreen: Avenue? Ah, like a very large road.
Shopwoman: I don't think we have anything for you here - you'll find pantyhose in the drug store.
*Pantyhose is american for tights. I learnt it before I went.
** My mother would call this colour "nigger brown". I know better than to come out with that one in Yankland.
*** I did not lose my temper immediately because I have watched "The Devil Wears Prada" and the main one in that was told off for being a size 6 and called fat - For a nation of some spectacular lard arses, they are very peculiarly anorexic in New York.
**** These are American sizes, they are 10 and 8 respectively in the Queen's English.
*****People who work in clothes shops like to hear about unusual body types
****** said in that tone of voice as if I should fucking know it was a plus sized store
On the bus in DC
Noreen: Is it possible to get a one day travelcard and get on and off the bus for an unlimited number of times?
Bus driver:each ticket is valid for two hours
Noreen: That's great, but I was wondering if I could get a ticket that is valid for maybe eight hours
Bus Driver: Listen Lady,get this ticket then you can get off, and get back on before the time printed on it.
Noreen: So I can't get a ticket for all day then
Bus Driver (holding out his hand for money and offering ticket) NO
Noreen: Sorry, how much is that please
Bus Driver: rolling eyes and looking at me as if I were very, very, simple. ONE DOLLAR
Noreen: Here you go
Bus Driver: You expect me to give you change for a hundred dollar note?
Noreen: It's not my fault all your money looks exactly the same. I thought it was a one - let me see if I have it in change. Why do your coins not have the amounts on? how many of these coins make a dollar (hands over a pile of silver coins)
Bus Driver: Give me another nickel
Noreen: Which one is a nickel?
Bus Driver: A NICKEL
Noreen: I don't know what a nickel is. How many things, cents, is a nickel
Bus driver: Five
Noreen: Well there is no coin with a five on it so I do not have one
Bus Driver(reaching into my hand and triumphantly producing a coin): That is a nickel
Noreen: It doesn't say 5 or nickel on it though does it
Bus Driver (starts bus fast)
In a restaurant
Waiter: Can I get you any coffee?
Noreen: Yes two espressos please.
Waiter: So no coffees, just two espressos
Noreen: Espresso is coffee though, isn't it?*
Waiter (rather tartly and as if he was revving up to spit in whatever it was type of caffeinated beverage) I'll get your espressos for you right away
* I was starting to worry, as there are a lot of false friends in american english (the British and American Fanny are a perineum apart)- it was quite possible that it may be something entirely different to the short strong shot of coffee we know in europe.
I'm back now anyway and I did not get shot
The more confusing one ought to have been the dime, which just says "ONE DIME" on it, with no indication that it means ten cents.
Since espresso was only consumed by hippies and foreigners here before Starbucks brought it to every corner of every town in America, we think "coffee" is the stuff you get after you drip hot water through a filter full of ground roasted beans. "Espresso" is something altogether more exotic and suspicious sounding.
Next time come to the west coast, but stay up in the north -- Seattle, Portland -- you'll be treated probably about the same as New York, but it's prettier here.
Since Iv'e never commented before I thought that might be a good start.
I want to share a story with you that my mom told me.
When my dad, a 21 year old US serviceman from Mississippi met my mum in North Wales they were attracted to each other and started a romance. One night when my dad was at my Nana and Grandads house my mom was teasing him about something or another and he said "You better watch out girl or I'm gonna spank your fanny". Well from what I hear happened next and what I know about my Grandad the look he gave my dad and his response, he was ready to kill him, probably could have stopped time.
I'll aleways remember that story and it's not often that I get a chance to share it with someone who might appreciate it.
On the other hand, in England one must put one's own grocery or retail purchase in the sack. The first time I went shopping the clerk & I just stood staring into space over one another's shoulders, waiting for the other to bag the groceries. For a few moments.
I told you that you were fat, you monkey armed freak.
Have you been asked what Church you go to yet? I was in Dallas and that's all they care about. Well, that and all day "eat as much as you like" breakfasts. Bastard Land Whales.
Tell Americans you are a Satanist. Smile as you explain that Lucifer is your saviour and worship the mark of the beast. They lose their minds y'all.
I agree though about the bus. WTF are you doing on public transport? You'll get AIDS and headlice, mugged and stabbed and probably baptised into the Mormon faith for good measure.
You seemed remarkably tolerant of these Americans. The heavily armed/tasered society is a meek society.
Mr. Williams is right, waving a $100 bill* around a bus in D. C. should have been enough to get you at least wounded.
Let me know in advance next time, I'll arrange for some lead to fly your way.
Remember everyone in DC works for the government- start at ten, done at three.
*In the U. S., a note is a brief written message or a musical tone. Currency notes- even though they say "Federal Reserve Note" right at the top- are called "bills" by the natives.
An easy mistake to make, most Welshmen are too busy degrading the sheep to take an unnatural interest in their daughters.
It sounds, quite frankly, as if you interacted with America's best. Unfortunately, most folks who're "lucky" to reside on this side of the pond are exactly as you experienced them. Most are angry and resentful beings. Sorry you had to have your days tarnished by such bone-heads. Having lived in this place all my life, I can atest to the ever-growing nastiness and arrogance of the so-called citizenry. Can't say, however, it might be a tad better anywhere else on the planet. I'd hate to be in a place where war and genocide are the norm. So, in essence, one deals with the stupidity and moves about with his or head down.
(oh, and if you get to Seattle we DO have espresso.as well as latte & drip.. We're coffee people)
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