Friday, April 25, 2008

 

Foreigner

Shopping

Noreen: Excuse me - do you have any pantyhose*?
Shopwoman: Yes, over there in the corner
Noreen: Thanks
Shopwoman: You're welcome
Noreen: Sorry, do you have any pantyhose* in a chocolate brown** colour
Shopwoman: Yes, I think we do. Excuse me, are you plus-sized?
Noreen: What?
Shopwoman: (slowly as if speaking to a retard) Plus-sized.
Noreen: What, like fat***?
Shopwoman: What size do you wear Ma'am?
Noreen: Well it depends entirely on the shop. normally a 6**** but in Marks and Spencers they cut large, so I can squeeze my lower half into a 4****. I've large shoulders AND big tits though so if it's a shirt - well I make a point of trying it on and I've arms like a monkey as well - so you can never be too careful. I can't go near a Top Shop shirt they are cut for ironing boards with slopey shoulders, but a Thomas Pink one has decent sized darts in that can accommodate anything up to a D cup, which is more realistic, as women with big tits are more likely to wear proper shirts, especially over a certain age. But you have to cough up for a Pink shirt - the thieving so and sos - I'm sure they make them in China and get orphans to sew them just like everyone else, but dear god do they make you pay for it! And what is it with assuming all women have stump arms - I mean some of us are more gangly and I don't want cuffs up round my elbows, I have a thing about wrists, those nasty bones that stick out give me the creeps - I dont want to look at that, a shirt should button just below the hand........ ****


At this point the woman was looking glazed so I stopped my shop chat and smiled at her - waiting for her to explain the plus sized thing or get my tights or something

Shopwoman: "This is a Plus-Sized Store ma'am". Avenue??*****
Noreen: Avenue? Ah, like a very large road.
Shopwoman: I don't think we have anything for you here - you'll find pantyhose in the drug store.


*Pantyhose is american for tights. I learnt it before I went.
** My mother would call this colour "nigger brown". I know better than to come out with that one in Yankland.
*** I did not lose my temper immediately because I have watched "The Devil Wears Prada" and the main one in that was told off for being a size 6 and called fat - For a nation of some spectacular lard arses, they are very peculiarly anorexic in New York.
**** These are American sizes, they are 10 and 8 respectively in the Queen's English.
*****People who work in clothes shops like to hear about unusual body types
****** said in that tone of voice as if I should fucking know it was a plus sized store



On the bus in DC


Noreen: Is it possible to get a one day travelcard and get on and off the bus for an unlimited number of times?
Bus driver:each ticket is valid for two hours
Noreen: That's great, but I was wondering if I could get a ticket that is valid for maybe eight hours
Bus Driver: Listen Lady,get this ticket then you can get off, and get back on before the time printed on it.
Noreen: So I can't get a ticket for all day then
Bus Driver (holding out his hand for money and offering ticket) NO
Noreen: Sorry, how much is that please
Bus Driver: rolling eyes and looking at me as if I were very, very, simple. ONE DOLLAR
Noreen: Here you go
Bus Driver: You expect me to give you change for a hundred dollar note?
Noreen: It's not my fault all your money looks exactly the same. I thought it was a one - let me see if I have it in change. Why do your coins not have the amounts on? how many of these coins make a dollar (hands over a pile of silver coins)
Bus Driver: Give me another nickel
Noreen: Which one is a nickel?
Bus Driver: A NICKEL
Noreen: I don't know what a nickel is. How many things, cents, is a nickel
Bus driver: Five
Noreen: Well there is no coin with a five on it so I do not have one
Bus Driver(reaching into my hand and triumphantly producing a coin): That is a nickel
Noreen: It doesn't say 5 or nickel on it though does it
Bus Driver (starts bus fast)




In a restaurant


Waiter: Can I get you any coffee?
Noreen: Yes two espressos please.
Waiter: So no coffees, just two espressos
Noreen: Espresso is coffee though, isn't it?*
Waiter (rather tartly and as if he was revving up to spit in whatever it was type of caffeinated beverage) I'll get your espressos for you right away

* I was starting to worry, as there are a lot of false friends in american english (the British and American Fanny are a perineum apart)- it was quite possible that it may be something entirely different to the short strong shot of coffee we know in europe.
I'm back now anyway and I did not get shot
Noreen

Comments:
Nobody who has $100 in their pocket takes the bus in Washington DC. No wonder the driver treated you as if you'd just stepped off the boat from Thickville.
 
A nickel does indeed say "five cents" on the back of it, but the print is very very small. It's called a nickel because it's made from nickel alloy, but I can't tell much of a difference between the metal it's made out of and that which quarters or dimes are made of, except for the color of the edges.

The more confusing one ought to have been the dime, which just says "ONE DIME" on it, with no indication that it means ten cents.
 
Americans are insufferable; I should know, since I am one.

Since espresso was only consumed by hippies and foreigners here before Starbucks brought it to every corner of every town in America, we think "coffee" is the stuff you get after you drip hot water through a filter full of ground roasted beans. "Espresso" is something altogether more exotic and suspicious sounding.

Next time come to the west coast, but stay up in the north -- Seattle, Portland -- you'll be treated probably about the same as New York, but it's prettier here.
 
The buses in DC are nice- although quite religious. The first one I went on had a large piece of paper over the map with quotations from the bible in it, and on the second bus a man sat at the back reading the bible out loud for about 20 minutes. I think he was a Non-Catholic, so he was wasting his time doing that posturing - quite apart from it being the sin of Pride to show off like that on public transport. I was sitting there wishing that the rapture thing he had been on about earlier would happen right there and then, and he would get snatched up into the bosom of heaven and shut the fuck up about Adam and Eve. Anyway they were much better than London buses - no one pissed themselves or blew themselves up, or kept up a tedious monologue about how shit bendy buses are, and there were no jogging 3 wheeled buggies or miserable old people glowering at me. More people should get the bus in DC, the traffic was fucking appalling, and everyone goes home so early from work, the lazy cunts, the roads are fucked from about 4 p.m. on.
Noreen
 
Fuck Off Noreen....

Since Iv'e never commented before I thought that might be a good start.

I want to share a story with you that my mom told me.

When my dad, a 21 year old US serviceman from Mississippi met my mum in North Wales they were attracted to each other and started a romance. One night when my dad was at my Nana and Grandads house my mom was teasing him about something or another and he said "You better watch out girl or I'm gonna spank your fanny". Well from what I hear happened next and what I know about my Grandad the look he gave my dad and his response, he was ready to kill him, probably could have stopped time.

I'll aleways remember that story and it's not often that I get a chance to share it with someone who might appreciate it.
 
An English store clerk once said "Thanks Love" (or luv) and I was so surprized! Never has an American clerk addressed me as 'love'. In fact they look like they'd like to grind their foot in my face and then kill me. And that's with exact change!

On the other hand, in England one must put one's own grocery or retail purchase in the sack. The first time I went shopping the clerk & I just stood staring into space over one another's shoulders, waiting for the other to bag the groceries. For a few moments.
 
Ha!

I told you that you were fat, you monkey armed freak.

Have you been asked what Church you go to yet? I was in Dallas and that's all they care about. Well, that and all day "eat as much as you like" breakfasts. Bastard Land Whales.

Tell Americans you are a Satanist. Smile as you explain that Lucifer is your saviour and worship the mark of the beast. They lose their minds y'all.

I agree though about the bus. WTF are you doing on public transport? You'll get AIDS and headlice, mugged and stabbed and probably baptised into the Mormon faith for good measure.
 
Can we hear more about your big tits? Can you post some pictures?
 
There is no doubt that a switch to stockings would help you avoid such contretemps, Noreen. Hold-ups, garter belts - they're all good.

You seemed remarkably tolerant of these Americans. The heavily armed/tasered society is a meek society.
 
What country were you in?
 
It is a shame you missed out on the full American experience. You did try, though.

Mr. Williams is right, waving a $100 bill* around a bus in D. C. should have been enough to get you at least wounded.

Let me know in advance next time, I'll arrange for some lead to fly your way.

Remember everyone in DC works for the government- start at ten, done at three.

*In the U. S., a note is a brief written message or a musical tone. Currency notes- even though they say "Federal Reserve Note" right at the top- are called "bills" by the natives.
 
Dai, I'm not surprised, though I'm sure your father was. I'd expect your grandfather to be upset that he was being replaced.

An easy mistake to make, most Welshmen are too busy degrading the sheep to take an unnatural interest in their daughters.
 
We fucks 'em, you eats 'em mun.
 
Yanks are dickheads with their funny money they have become the new Mexico, 100 dollars is only 50 quid. Did ya get any crack in DC? I hear its legal there, just get some off a politican.
 
Noreen,
It sounds, quite frankly, as if you interacted with America's best. Unfortunately, most folks who're "lucky" to reside on this side of the pond are exactly as you experienced them. Most are angry and resentful beings. Sorry you had to have your days tarnished by such bone-heads. Having lived in this place all my life, I can atest to the ever-growing nastiness and arrogance of the so-called citizenry. Can't say, however, it might be a tad better anywhere else on the planet. I'd hate to be in a place where war and genocide are the norm. So, in essence, one deals with the stupidity and moves about with his or head down.
 
Big tits my arse.
 
Fuck you Gibby Haynes. My tits are a D cup which is too large for most of your gay east coast shops. I managed to find a bra in victorias secret in DC but the woman had to forage around in a special drawer for women with large knockers, as all the bras on display had padding in them and were tiny A and B cups.It seems to me that american tits are either non existent, because everyone is too thin, or fake - in which case they are enormous. I am sure if I were to go to california I would not be able to find a bra to fit me either - everything would be a ff cup.
Noreen
 
Hahahhaha! I love iT.. Just like my trip to London..and I loved every strange minute of it.. Ordered a drip coffee and got something that resembled the old instant in C-Ration meals...One very worried looking older gentleman came up to me on the street and warned me to hide the camera I was carrying so I didnt get mugged. Very polite and helpful people. I'm still trying to figure how you see the words 'Leicester Square' but think 'Lester Square', though .. and dont even get me started on aluminium...

(oh, and if you get to Seattle we DO have espresso.as well as latte & drip.. We're coffee people)
 
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