Wednesday, July 30, 2008
According to Google, My Mother Is A Dirty Whore
I have got a new dentist. He is Hungarian. Anyway - like all new dentists I have had before, he wanted to show what a good and innovative dentist he was, and so decided to find something remarkable about my mouth. The last one used to go on about my tongue and how long it was, which was annoying as it was a veiled way of complaining about the fact that, short of hanging it out of my mouth like a dog, I had to sort of bunch my tongue up when I was having work done, and it used to get in the way a bit. This one didn't mention my tongue, which was great, instead he commented on my wisdom teeth. "Ah you have your wisdom teeth", said the Hungarian dentist. "Yes," I said proudly. " I guess that makes me wiser than a lot of people does it not!". "Well actually" he said, "These wisdom teeth are rather odd, small, peg shaped ones, not like normal teeth at all". My heart sank, as I know what these cunt dentists are like - fucking thieves, always trying to get you to have work you do not need. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Oh it is just a birth defect - they are perfectly healthy, just smaller than normal, and slightly odd looking."
What any sane person does in a situation like this is Google. So when I got home, I typed "peg shaped tooth" into the search box thing, and read though the results: "Peg shaped teeth are a result of congenital syphilis" it said.
I got on the phone to my mother, who had spent most of my adolescence proclaiming the joys of being a virgin before marriage, and announcing triumphantly how she had only, ever, slept with my father in her whole life, and outlining the importance of marital fidelity. "Hello Ma" I said. "How are you?". "Oh hello Noreen", she said. "I was going to ring you, I have some very sad news". Now I have never had a phone call with my mother in which she has not mentioned the recent death of someone I barely know, and the gaping hole their departure will leave in the lives of their nearest and dearest, and frankly, it gets on my fucking tits. This time I was ready for her. "Did you have the clap when you were pregnant with me, Ma?" I asked, quickly. "The what?" she said, faintly. "Syphilis". I said. "My dentist is Hungarian and he says you had the syphilis when you were pregnant, and it gave me strange teeth". "Who is this dentist?" She said angrily. "Is it the O'Leary boy?- he was a very disturbed child. "No, I said patiently. "You don't know him. And the O'Leary boy is not Hungarian, is he? Anyway he is only doing his job,this dentist, he is not the one with social diseases, giving their offspring deformed teeth". "I don't like Hungarians" she said "Their recognition of the Pope is rather begrudging, for all they call themselves Catholics, and they have peculiar Byzantine traditions. Do you remember the boy at the convent who was always scratching his backside, Zoltan something? He was a very strange child, and that mother of his had no idea how to feed the children, always shovelling great big donuts into them and sighing and looking pained all over the place. They're a funny lot. Don't listen to a word he said. Syphilis indeed".
She was not to be drawn on the subject any more, and to be perfectly honest I believed her, and I even started to feel slightly guilty about poisoning her mind against Magyars. So I blame Google, those knowitall fuckers. How dare they call my mother a whore! And yes, I do know Google host Blogspot, and they might well decide to hide my blog because I have insulted them, but I say this to you Google bastards: No one calls my mother a whore! My mother deos not have syphilis. Fuck off, geek cunts.
Noreen
What any sane person does in a situation like this is Google. So when I got home, I typed "peg shaped tooth" into the search box thing, and read though the results: "Peg shaped teeth are a result of congenital syphilis" it said.
I got on the phone to my mother, who had spent most of my adolescence proclaiming the joys of being a virgin before marriage, and announcing triumphantly how she had only, ever, slept with my father in her whole life, and outlining the importance of marital fidelity. "Hello Ma" I said. "How are you?". "Oh hello Noreen", she said. "I was going to ring you, I have some very sad news". Now I have never had a phone call with my mother in which she has not mentioned the recent death of someone I barely know, and the gaping hole their departure will leave in the lives of their nearest and dearest, and frankly, it gets on my fucking tits. This time I was ready for her. "Did you have the clap when you were pregnant with me, Ma?" I asked, quickly. "The what?" she said, faintly. "Syphilis". I said. "My dentist is Hungarian and he says you had the syphilis when you were pregnant, and it gave me strange teeth". "Who is this dentist?" She said angrily. "Is it the O'Leary boy?- he was a very disturbed child. "No, I said patiently. "You don't know him. And the O'Leary boy is not Hungarian, is he? Anyway he is only doing his job,this dentist, he is not the one with social diseases, giving their offspring deformed teeth". "I don't like Hungarians" she said "Their recognition of the Pope is rather begrudging, for all they call themselves Catholics, and they have peculiar Byzantine traditions. Do you remember the boy at the convent who was always scratching his backside, Zoltan something? He was a very strange child, and that mother of his had no idea how to feed the children, always shovelling great big donuts into them and sighing and looking pained all over the place. They're a funny lot. Don't listen to a word he said. Syphilis indeed".
She was not to be drawn on the subject any more, and to be perfectly honest I believed her, and I even started to feel slightly guilty about poisoning her mind against Magyars. So I blame Google, those knowitall fuckers. How dare they call my mother a whore! And yes, I do know Google host Blogspot, and they might well decide to hide my blog because I have insulted them, but I say this to you Google bastards: No one calls my mother a whore! My mother deos not have syphilis. Fuck off, geek cunts.
Noreen
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I have heard that Jacob managed to get striped sheep by holding up bits of wood in front of the ewe's eyes while she was being tupped, or whatever the expression is. Perhaps Noreen's mother was hanging out the washing; in which case it must have been quite a small load, otherwise Noreen could have ended up with peg legs instead of the perfect, tea-stained pipe-cleaners she actually sports.
I don't have any wisdom teeth, although I am, as you know, very wise indeed, so, as the Americans say 'go figure'.
All dentists are bonkers, not surprisingly, think what it must be like to stare into other people's gobs all day.
I had a young female dentist suggest to me once in all seriousness that since I was over 40 I did not really need my front teeth anymore, and perhaps she should just pop them out.
Just put the caps on them you mad bitch was my reply. She did stick her pert boobs in my ear throughout the procedure which was some recompense.
All dentists are bonkers, not surprisingly, think what it must be like to stare into other people's gobs all day.
I had a young female dentist suggest to me once in all seriousness that since I was over 40 I did not really need my front teeth anymore, and perhaps she should just pop them out.
Just put the caps on them you mad bitch was my reply. She did stick her pert boobs in my ear throughout the procedure which was some recompense.
# posted by 
: 11:00 AM
: 11:00 AM
Hungarians have been driven mad by their bizarre language, so pay no attention. In that part of the world teeth are judged normal if they're pointy and caked in virgin's neck blood. Think on.
The fact your dear ol' mum went in to a rant suggests to me she would be hiding something. Her secret Whoreness maybe.
# posted by : 1:18 PM
: 1:18 PM
I am most disturbed by the aspersions being cast upon Noreen's sainted mother.
It is obvious that Noreen's mom is a woman of great virtue, as evidenced by the fact that she never drowned Noreen in a bucket.
Think about it. For two decades Noreen's mother willingly shouldered the burden of raising Noreen. Even now, Noreen's mother allows Noreen to contact her, when restraining orders are ever so easy to obtain.
It is my understanding that Mother Theresa appeared in a vision to Pope Benedict and said "Never mind about me. Noreen's mother deserves to be on the shortlist for sainthood"
Even today, devout Roman Catholics view Noreen's mother as the patron saint of parents with especially obnoxious children.
It is obvious that Noreen's mom is a woman of great virtue, as evidenced by the fact that she never drowned Noreen in a bucket.
Think about it. For two decades Noreen's mother willingly shouldered the burden of raising Noreen. Even now, Noreen's mother allows Noreen to contact her, when restraining orders are ever so easy to obtain.
It is my understanding that Mother Theresa appeared in a vision to Pope Benedict and said "Never mind about me. Noreen's mother deserves to be on the shortlist for sainthood"
Even today, devout Roman Catholics view Noreen's mother as the patron saint of parents with especially obnoxious children.
# posted by : 8:27 PM
: 8:27 PM
The problem is that Noreen does not know how to use Google. Google is a splendid AMERICAN invention, and many non-Americans lack the requisite intelligence to use some of its more advanced features.
I am sure that if Noreen had used Google properly, she would have found the real reason for her freakish teeth, and it would have nothing to do with her Sainted Mother. Probably Noreen started smoking too early or something like that.
I am sure that if Noreen had used Google properly, she would have found the real reason for her freakish teeth, and it would have nothing to do with her Sainted Mother. Probably Noreen started smoking too early or something like that.
# posted by : 8:43 PM
: 8:43 PM
I think Noreens teeth are those of her unborn twin brother, ingested by Noreen in the womb.
Also, pay no attention at all to people who like to stick their fingers in other peoples mouths all day long. They get their kicks by looking up your nostrils and counting your bogies. You really don't want to know what they do when you are under the gas but it would sting like a bastard if you were awake. It involves an aubergine, butter and toast crumbs. The dirty bastards
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Also, pay no attention at all to people who like to stick their fingers in other peoples mouths all day long. They get their kicks by looking up your nostrils and counting your bogies. You really don't want to know what they do when you are under the gas but it would sting like a bastard if you were awake. It involves an aubergine, butter and toast crumbs. The dirty bastards
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