Wednesday, July 30, 2008
According to Google, My Mother Is A Dirty Whore
What any sane person does in a situation like this is Google. So when I got home, I typed "peg shaped tooth" into the search box thing, and read though the results: "Peg shaped teeth are a result of congenital syphilis" it said.
I got on the phone to my mother, who had spent most of my adolescence proclaiming the joys of being a virgin before marriage, and announcing triumphantly how she had only, ever, slept with my father in her whole life, and outlining the importance of marital fidelity. "Hello Ma" I said. "How are you?". "Oh hello Noreen", she said. "I was going to ring you, I have some very sad news". Now I have never had a phone call with my mother in which she has not mentioned the recent death of someone I barely know, and the gaping hole their departure will leave in the lives of their nearest and dearest, and frankly, it gets on my fucking tits. This time I was ready for her. "Did you have the clap when you were pregnant with me, Ma?" I asked, quickly. "The what?" she said, faintly. "Syphilis". I said. "My dentist is Hungarian and he says you had the syphilis when you were pregnant, and it gave me strange teeth". "Who is this dentist?" She said angrily. "Is it the O'Leary boy?- he was a very disturbed child. "No, I said patiently. "You don't know him. And the O'Leary boy is not Hungarian, is he? Anyway he is only doing his job,this dentist, he is not the one with social diseases, giving their offspring deformed teeth". "I don't like Hungarians" she said "Their recognition of the Pope is rather begrudging, for all they call themselves Catholics, and they have peculiar Byzantine traditions. Do you remember the boy at the convent who was always scratching his backside, Zoltan something? He was a very strange child, and that mother of his had no idea how to feed the children, always shovelling great big donuts into them and sighing and looking pained all over the place. They're a funny lot. Don't listen to a word he said. Syphilis indeed".
She was not to be drawn on the subject any more, and to be perfectly honest I believed her, and I even started to feel slightly guilty about poisoning her mind against Magyars. So I blame Google, those knowitall fuckers. How dare they call my mother a whore! And yes, I do know Google host Blogspot, and they might well decide to hide my blog because I have insulted them, but I say this to you Google bastards: No one calls my mother a whore! My mother deos not have syphilis. Fuck off, geek cunts.
All dentists are bonkers, not surprisingly, think what it must be like to stare into other people's gobs all day.
I had a young female dentist suggest to me once in all seriousness that since I was over 40 I did not really need my front teeth anymore, and perhaps she should just pop them out.
Just put the caps on them you mad bitch was my reply. She did stick her pert boobs in my ear throughout the procedure which was some recompense.
It is obvious that Noreen's mom is a woman of great virtue, as evidenced by the fact that she never drowned Noreen in a bucket.
Think about it. For two decades Noreen's mother willingly shouldered the burden of raising Noreen. Even now, Noreen's mother allows Noreen to contact her, when restraining orders are ever so easy to obtain.
It is my understanding that Mother Theresa appeared in a vision to Pope Benedict and said "Never mind about me. Noreen's mother deserves to be on the shortlist for sainthood"
Even today, devout Roman Catholics view Noreen's mother as the patron saint of parents with especially obnoxious children.
I am sure that if Noreen had used Google properly, she would have found the real reason for her freakish teeth, and it would have nothing to do with her Sainted Mother. Probably Noreen started smoking too early or something like that.
Also, pay no attention at all to people who like to stick their fingers in other peoples mouths all day long. They get their kicks by looking up your nostrils and counting your bogies. You really don't want to know what they do when you are under the gas but it would sting like a bastard if you were awake. It involves an aubergine, butter and toast crumbs. The dirty bastards
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