Emerald Bile

Before I start, I would like to get a couple of things straight. I have not been "thinking about the universe" and I still hate things in space and space generally. I am, however, concerned about the Earth.

Why does it have such a gay name compared to the other planets? See, I would get it if it had been named at the beginning of human life, when we were great grunting oaves, trailing our fingers along the dusty tectonic plates, lumbering, hairy beasts, with no ability for imagination, only a basic limbic system in the brain, capable only of fighting and running away from stuff. Under those circumstances, calling the extraordinarily resourceful home that we live in "Earth", would seem about right. But it was not until the Sixteenth Century, when people were busy painting and parading around in peculiar breeches, that the existence of the planet was recognised. I mentioned this to a man I was talking to in the jacuzzi at the gym and he said "Actually I think it should be called rock not earth, because it is actually made of rock". Well, hmm, yes Gary perhaps. But if that is the case, why is Jupiter not called "Gas"? Earth at least implies a level of fertility which is yet to be proved on the three other rock based planets in our solar system, and what the fuck are we supposed to call them? It would all start to sound like a series of boxing films and that would be even shiter than what we have now. I like the Gods and Goddess names for the other planets and thank god that whore JK Rowling wasn't around when they named them, or she would have had a hand in it: "Smallius Planetus" "Greatus Biggus Reddus" - the fucking meddling witch.

Don't you fuckers bother giving me: "Actually its name is Terra" because Terra is just latin for earth. It still means mud. And you hippies - fuck away off with "Gaia" and that "Mother Goddess" shit. No one calls the earth Gaia, no one apart from cunts. So I think we should have a competition to rename the earth after someone powerful and magnificent - suggestions in the comments please. Don't say Ball Bag.

Noreen