Thursday, April 23, 2009


St Patrick was more effective at pest control than St George

St Patrick is not actually my favourite saint, my favourite Saints are the ones to do with physical problems - St Lucy, the patron saint of styes on the eye and St Blaise, patron saint of throat diseases. What useful saints they are. However, I do have very great respect for the Patron Saint himself, as he drove away snakes from Ireland, and I fucking despise snakes.

I've heard people giving out: "St Patrick did not actually drive the snakes away, the ice age did it". Fuck away off with the ice age, you jealous, snake-riddled nations. St Patrick got rid of the snakes and that is that. Are there snakes in the world? Yes there are. Are there snakes in Ireland? No. So it isn't because of the ice age, is it! It's because of the holiness.

Across the Irish Sea, St George, Patron Saint of England, got rid of dragons from England. If there were still dragons (not Komodo ones, they are not dragons, they are lizards) in other parts of the world, then I would absolutely think: "Well done, St George. Fair play to you, for getting rid of the dragons out of England". It would be especially impressive if there were still dragons in Wales and Scotland but these lumbering, terrifying creatures were unable to cross the Severn Bridge, or go over Hadrians wall without combusting. However, I don't think there ever were dragons in England, or indeed anywhere in the world. Now I'm not saying St George was a lying shite and made up a dragon that he had driven out. No, I think he did have a go at driving out cold blooded animals but I think rather than mythical dragons, he focussed his driving out powers onto newts and then there was a spin put on his achievements by the media.

Whatever the size of the creature he destroyed, St George was clearly not as efficent at his job as St Patrick, as newts remain in England to this day. I'll hand it to St George that he reduced their number - newts are now an endangered species, but he didn't sucessfully rid the country of them, nor did he leave a legacy of people who were going to take up the baton after his death by finishing off his work and getting rid of the rest of the newt population.

In fact, where I live in England, there are several groups of bossy people in sturdy shoes, who make it their business to poke around in damp wells and springs, hunting for newts and taking pictures of them, and getting incensed when people want to build houses, or dig lakes near the newts and they start on, protesting and making picket lines and hollering: "What about the newts!" Recently in the local paper there was a four page spread, explaining how newts are as fussy about shagging and eating as pandas, and so it is, therefore, our national duty to nurture newts, and to make sure they have absolute silence and darkness and privacy to copulate in, and no children must disturb them ever. And there have been groups of people gathering in the evenings, discussing whether, as well as maintaining a utopia for newts, we should also draw pictures of newts at the top of all municipal documents and put a newt on a flag and so on and so on - you know what the English are like.

No, St George did not do a particularly good job at pest control, especially compared to his highly efficent, holy neighbour St Patrick, and that is the real reason for his fete not being a public holiday in England. Don't say that to anyone English though, or they will cut you.

George is a globalized patron saint who does Portugal and Lebanon as well as England. I must point out there are no dragons in *any* of those places, so you must admit that he is more thorough at extermination than Patrick. The real English patron saint is saint Edmund, who was shot with arrows by the Danish on Theological grounds.
Yep, he's the patron saint of Catalonia, too, Saint Jordi, and he couldn't even drive out medieval ideas like falangism.
Surely, saints should not be involved in pest control at all, as their are people whose livelihoods depend on their pest control abilities, and saints have an unfair advantage, what with their hot line to God and all.
Anyway, although its obvious that Saint George was a pretty successful dragon slayer, I don't think he was credited with driving out all dragons from England, he just killed the ones who annoyed him, which brings us to the question of motivation.
St George did not like dragons because of their unfortunate tendency to eat virgins, who are, as we know, beloved of God, but what of St Patrick?
St Patrick clearly did not like snakes, but most philosophers would agree that it is wrong for someone in a position of power to follow a course of action merely because they personally don't like someone or something.
St George therefore killed dragons because of their virginicide, while Patrick was merely abusing his power because of some no doubt phallic dislike of snakes.
QED, St George is best.
There aren't any moles in Ireland either. Did St Patrick banish them too? The velvety little worm-munching bastards
what happens when people try to take snakes to Ireland? Don't tell me nobody has ever tried. Are they allergic to bogs or something?
What do you call an Irish snake?

An "O' Aconstrictor".
What ever happened to St Bruno? He ought to be the patron saint of English pipe smokers. I will give a prize to anyone who knows the name of the bald man who appeared in the commercial.
Silly foreigner - St. George *did* get rid of the newts... but Sssshhh... to celebrate that by say, I don't know, getting a proper fucking holiday like we should, would also mean losing the juiciest planning objection of them all. And you know how we far more enjoy to grumble about next-door's faux Tudor extension than celebrate anything. All makes sense really.
St David gave all the Irish snakes and moles and English dragons shelter in the slaty bosoom of The Wales, that's why we can't move for the buggers these days.
St George was also the patron saint of syphilis & herpes, and the historical character he's generally considered to be based on was a bacon salesman.
My sister thinks that the dragons were dinosaurs.
Here's a blog post from moi on St. Georges day.
St Patrick is the patron saint of cunts drinking green beer
Hi Noreen I haven't looked in on you and BallBag for ages - we had a tenant in our place undoubtedly one of the Saints mentioned above - it was like living in a mentler, he needed acclaim everyday of his life - he banished cats from Dublin while he banished dogs also with a huge idiotic dog of his own running an biting you if it could in order to banish humans as well presumably - his entire life of saintly banishment was nevertheless contradicted in that he left this house the day before yesterday with thirty black bags of unidentified material and a television the size of a door enabling him look at humans from a safe distance?. A white van came for him it was like a film by Bunuel. His hair like all saints was 2feet long as his fingernails and he looked very sad that he was leaving a place that activated his saintly activities night and day for two long years - maybe he will be cannonised betimes... the van driver told me that he did not know where he was going..........
Don't sweat the small stuff, Noreen. And remember: it is *all* small stuff.
"Recently in the local paper there was a four page spread, explaining how newts are as fussy about shagging "

That would be in The Newts of The World, I suppose?

I'll get my hat.
Right, I've had enough of this

I am a very famous blogger (on the TV and everything) and send you thousands of readers every month and have been for years.

I am sending you a fucking Cobra
St George actually has a church devoted to him in the Coptic Christian quarter in Cairo, surprised the hell out of me when I found it, he clearly gets about a bit.

I think he just subdued the Dragon, oh perfidious Albion :)
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