Thursday, April 23, 2009
St Patrick was more effective at pest control than St George
I've heard people giving out: "St Patrick did not actually drive the snakes away, the ice age did it". Fuck away off with the ice age, you jealous, snake-riddled nations. St Patrick got rid of the snakes and that is that. Are there snakes in the world? Yes there are. Are there snakes in Ireland? No. So it isn't because of the ice age, is it! It's because of the holiness.
Across the Irish Sea, St George, Patron Saint of England, got rid of dragons from England. If there were still dragons (not Komodo ones, they are not dragons, they are lizards) in other parts of the world, then I would absolutely think: "Well done, St George. Fair play to you, for getting rid of the dragons out of England". It would be especially impressive if there were still dragons in Wales and Scotland but these lumbering, terrifying creatures were unable to cross the Severn Bridge, or go over Hadrians wall without combusting. However, I don't think there ever were dragons in England, or indeed anywhere in the world. Now I'm not saying St George was a lying shite and made up a dragon that he had driven out. No, I think he did have a go at driving out cold blooded animals but I think rather than mythical dragons, he focussed his driving out powers onto newts and then there was a spin put on his achievements by the media.
Whatever the size of the creature he destroyed, St George was clearly not as efficent at his job as St Patrick, as newts remain in England to this day. I'll hand it to St George that he reduced their number - newts are now an endangered species, but he didn't sucessfully rid the country of them, nor did he leave a legacy of people who were going to take up the baton after his death by finishing off his work and getting rid of the rest of the newt population.
In fact, where I live in England, there are several groups of bossy people in sturdy shoes, who make it their business to poke around in damp wells and springs, hunting for newts and taking pictures of them, and getting incensed when people want to build houses, or dig lakes near the newts and they start on, protesting and making picket lines and hollering: "What about the newts!" Recently in the local paper there was a four page spread, explaining how newts are as fussy about shagging and eating as pandas, and so it is, therefore, our national duty to nurture newts, and to make sure they have absolute silence and darkness and privacy to copulate in, and no children must disturb them ever. And there have been groups of people gathering in the evenings, discussing whether, as well as maintaining a utopia for newts, we should also draw pictures of newts at the top of all municipal documents and put a newt on a flag and so on and so on - you know what the English are like.
No, St George did not do a particularly good job at pest control, especially compared to his highly efficent, holy neighbour St Patrick, and that is the real reason for his fete not being a public holiday in England. Don't say that to anyone English though, or they will cut you.
Monday, April 20, 2009
They shouldn't have fucking bothered
If Argos, or Barclays Bank or my local bookies started leaving piles of propelling pencils around instead of little plastic biros, I would stop stealing them. And if, inadvertently, I were to pocket a propelling pencil after placing an afternoon bet, or browsing through a large laminated catalogue of tat or queuing up to be served by a hatchet faced clerk in a cheap uniform, then do you know what I would do? I would give it to a tramp.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Explaining Fantasy Art
Fantasy females have that slightly tough-chick look sometimes, like they parked a big motorbike round the corner and have a fanny that tastes of sweaty leathers. I can't work out the purpose of fantasy art - it's not beautiful to look at and it isn't dirty enough to be erotica - it's just weird. I understand Manga art, because that has drawings of Japanese people holding the flaps of their vulvas apart, and close up sketches of jizzing knobs and women licking each other out. I mean, I still think it's odd to look at pornographic cartoons when you could just turn on the telly, or buy a magazine with pictures of real vulvas and knobs in, but I can see that Manga is a hand-drawn substitute. The only reason I can see for fantasy art existing, however, apart from to make me feel slightly unsettled, is that there actually are gnomes and elves and hobbits and women who live in the herbaceous border with their diddies out and their legs akimbo.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Glorified shell swappers
When I was at Cambridge everyone was obsessed with the Gulf War and Poll Tax. There was a free bus every week, that took all the busybodies to London, so they could make a nuisance of themselves marching and shouting. One girl that I used to go to supervisions with, would catch the bus, go to Harrods, buy stuff, wait for everyone to come back from marching and catch the bus home again, laden with goods and having lined a rich Arab's pockets. I liked her.
An uncharitable part of me* thinks that marching and protesting is a way for losers to make friends and get the ride. It's all down to poor social skills. Protests are like festivals - a great place for the shy, weird and weak to interact, in a situation that doesn't punish the gauche and that creates an atmosphere of heightened emotion, so people don't feel silly and have a reason to talk to one other. If these protestors had a chance to do the season, it might do the lot of them a power of good. What many of these protestor -middle- class types don't realise, is that the social calendar exists around specific sporting and music events so that people do have a shared subject to talk about, and even the gauchest can manage to trot out a line or two about horses or boats or singing and acquit themselves reasonably well. Mind you - they might need to make the Stewards enclosure at Henley larger, to accommodate all the marching people, but I'd accept that in return for less shouting and posturing about banks. That is all
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