Emerald Bile

I am sick to death with hearing about how Gordon Brown bullies his staff. Honestly, these lefties really do want to have their cake and eat it. Clearly, no one who works in Gordon Brown's office has ever been to public school, so all his staff have grown up, used to going home to Mummy at half past three, then having a little whine about how someone was mean to them during their twenty minute breaktime. Now that these characters are in the big boys' playground with Bruiser Brown, who keeps them after hours for a good, hard shoeing, it's all a bit much for their little, dayboy spirits.

But Gordon Brown should know better. He, of all people, should know that the way to talk to people who have been educated at comprehensive schools, is to get on their level. Try crouching in front of them, explaining why you are disappointed in their performance, using very simple words. It's best not to try to be "street", as that might offend them, and do remember to say "difficulty" instead of "problem". If that doesn't work, you may need to call their social workers in for a bit of a chat.

I bet that big toff David Cameron, has one of his staff warming up his loo seat every morning. And I would not be remotely surprised to hear that he entertains himself between make-up calls, by debagging his lackeys in the lifts. And that, that sort of caper, would just be larks on a normal day, before any of his poor, overworked, assistant bastards, have even had a chance to put a foot wrong. Christ knows what sort of penalties he dishes out to his team for bad handwriting, backchat and rude remarks about his wife's hairstyle. If those moaning minnies from Gordon Brown's side of the tracks had to spend even half an hour over in Millbank, with Slasher Cam, they'd all need a new set of trousers.

Noreen