Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Herbert Highs

I despise energy drinks with every lobe of my brain. Liquid idiot fuel, that makes boring cretins remain conscious and irritating, for more hours of the day than they already occupy with their tedious yawny chat. Drinks with fucking appalling names like "Relentless" and "Incessant" and "Aving It". They taste like the smell of Lynx deodorant and are utterly fucking horrible chav juice. If Osama bin Laden could organise his minions to fly planes from Ibiza, full of energy-shot-downing holiday makers, into the rooves of energy drink factories, I would put on a burqa, get my arse over to the Pakistan borders, and setting aside my fear of enclosed places, crawl through narrow tunnels until I got to his cave and then I would get down on my knees and suck his (probably rather long and thin) evil cock until my jaw went numb.

Worse than energy drinks are "herbal highs" - legal pills for idiot children who think that the word "herbal" makes the substance somehow alright to take. I have seen so many kids terrified out of their boxes after taking those awful things, and yet, through their sheer terror, these kids still manage to express confusion at how something "legal" can be so fucking appallingly dreadful. Of course, they are fucking thick for falling for that herbal/legal nonsense in the first place. Many, many legal and natural things exist, with which it is possible to intoxicate oneself, but most people with functioning cortices, choose not to eat hemlock, or lick toads or do other revoltingly weird things to alter their states of mind. That said, thickness, although fucking tiresome, should not be punished quite so hideously - and I loathe thick people, so that just shows how very fucking unfairly awful, herbal highs must be, to make me feel pity towards other human beings.

One could view herbal highs in a positive light, since taking them could be seen as a form of Darwinism that may help to free the world of ghastly tattooed Herberts. However, I think there are better ways for dreadful chav idiots to disappear, than by falling into a dark pit of terror and mental illness brought on by some fucking awful "herbal" pill.

People that peddle herbal highs should be put on IV drips full of "Relentless", laced mildly with arsenic and PCP, until they twitch and writhe, wracked with stabbing abdominal pains, their eyes assaulted by the most vivid hallucinations, their minds incredibly alert and incapable of drifting into sleep, to escape the dreadful multifaceted mental and physical assault, until goggle-eyed and gibbering they promise to spend the rest of their lives weeding old ladies' gardens and listening to people drone on and on, about England being awful and gay at football.

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