Monday, April 11, 2011
The Afterlife: No Place for Steve Jobs And His Monkey Tricks
Last Tuesday it was Ching Ming festival. To celebrate this holy day, the Chinese get up at the crack of dawn and go to visit their family graves. First they sweep the graves and give them a good old clean. Then they build a little fire, and burn paper effigies of things they would like to give their ancestors in the afterlife - paper cars and houses or a few paper notes of money. There are specialist shops in Hong Kong, where devoted mourners can easily get hold of paper riches.
Yes, there's quite the business over here for anyone handy with a pair of scissors - I can see how cutting out a paper Ferrari, or a Lamborghini with those great, big, fucking doors like wings, that open in a stupid way, could be an accomplishment. Cutting out some paper dollar bills isn't quite so genius, but then I suppose the craftsmen need to draw on the paper, as well as cut it out, to make sure the dead ones know how much their relatives are giving them.
This year there was a new paper "thing" on offer for the mourning relatives to set fire to. Paper iPads (also pretty fucking easy to cut out, wouldn't you think?) These paper squares or rectangles (no, Philip Challinor, I do not know the exact shape of one but know it to be a fairly simple, geometric form)were flying off the shelves of the "Things To Buy Your Deaders" shop. They were the highest selling paper burnable object this year.
If I were a Chinese corpse - especially one who had reached a fine old age, or one who had died a century ago, I would not want a paper iPad. I am not even dead yet, and I live in the 21st century and I don't want a non-paper iPad. IPads look like etch-a-sketch toys, but less fun.
Buying paper iPads for deaders is cruel. Old people hate technology, and to me it seems mean to torment them beyond the grave with paper new-fangledness. Last year it was the paper iPhone 4 and in the last ten years the poor dead fuckers have been subjected to digital cameras, laptop computers and those little fucking blue-tooth headsets, when everyone knows that ears are the first thing to rot on the dead. What is more, those lazy cunts in the paper-technology business don't even bother to supply their paper gadgets with instructions. The thieving, opportunistic bastards
Noreen
Yes, there's quite the business over here for anyone handy with a pair of scissors - I can see how cutting out a paper Ferrari, or a Lamborghini with those great, big, fucking doors like wings, that open in a stupid way, could be an accomplishment. Cutting out some paper dollar bills isn't quite so genius, but then I suppose the craftsmen need to draw on the paper, as well as cut it out, to make sure the dead ones know how much their relatives are giving them.
This year there was a new paper "thing" on offer for the mourning relatives to set fire to. Paper iPads (also pretty fucking easy to cut out, wouldn't you think?) These paper squares or rectangles (no, Philip Challinor, I do not know the exact shape of one but know it to be a fairly simple, geometric form)were flying off the shelves of the "Things To Buy Your Deaders" shop. They were the highest selling paper burnable object this year.
If I were a Chinese corpse - especially one who had reached a fine old age, or one who had died a century ago, I would not want a paper iPad. I am not even dead yet, and I live in the 21st century and I don't want a non-paper iPad. IPads look like etch-a-sketch toys, but less fun.
Buying paper iPads for deaders is cruel. Old people hate technology, and to me it seems mean to torment them beyond the grave with paper new-fangledness. Last year it was the paper iPhone 4 and in the last ten years the poor dead fuckers have been subjected to digital cameras, laptop computers and those little fucking blue-tooth headsets, when everyone knows that ears are the first thing to rot on the dead. What is more, those lazy cunts in the paper-technology business don't even bother to supply their paper gadgets with instructions. The thieving, opportunistic bastards
Noreen
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Paper loo paper could be useful. I bet even Chinese people who lived a thousand years ago would know what to do with that. Do any hotels in Hong Kong have an en-suite douche?
Making offerings of paper loo paper is like taking a picture of yourself in a mirror - it just could go on and on creating a strange confusion between reality and imitation. Also loo paper is pretty cheap here- and the chinese don't seem interested in making cheapo offerings. It's all the shite they couldn't afford during life, like harvard MBA courses and ski lessons they want paper versions of
That said, it would be the most useful paper offering besides paper writing paper. Maybe I should open a shop - after all, there must be other people who think like I do.
Do you mean a douche or a bidet? In Japan they have loos that squirt water at you as you pee. That's creepy. I don't expect they have them any more though, what with that big fucking wave
Noreen
That said, it would be the most useful paper offering besides paper writing paper. Maybe I should open a shop - after all, there must be other people who think like I do.
Do you mean a douche or a bidet? In Japan they have loos that squirt water at you as you pee. That's creepy. I don't expect they have them any more though, what with that big fucking wave
Noreen
Old people hate most technology, but they lvoe their fucking iphones. They fill them up with pictures of their miserable grandchildren and they can bore anybody, anywhere, any time, for hours.
Could the dead text or twitter?
It would certainly have a speed advantage over the more analogue Ouija board. They could send cool messages like “HI, IM STIL LYNG HER N D GRAVE, NATCH!!! WHER R U?” Which when you think about it, is about the same level of tedious shite that you receive from the living but with slightly more of an excuse.
It would certainly have a speed advantage over the more analogue Ouija board. They could send cool messages like “HI, IM STIL LYNG HER N D GRAVE, NATCH!!! WHER R U?” Which when you think about it, is about the same level of tedious shite that you receive from the living but with slightly more of an excuse.
Good middle eastern hotels have a douche that works like a handshower. You aim it like a water pistol and squirt a jet of water right up the poo-hole. It's most effective when you feel you've been violated. There's a word I'm looking for that I've forgotten. I'll be back when I've remembered it.
GB I have not used one of those arse-showers. I prefer the "jug of water in the loo" as used by Moroccans and East London muslims, which is the extent of my knowledge of the lavatorial habits of islam. More caressing on the hoop than a fierce jet of water.
Ha. I cannot believe old people would cope with the vast prices demanded by that greedy apple man. My parents won't put the heating on, even when it is baltically cold outside, and they were furious when my sister Maud bought them a satnav ("do you think we are losing our marbles? Is this some kind of a comment on our ability to navigate? You mustn't waste your money on us etc etc")
Old age pensions must be larger in America, or the old ones are busy remortgaging their houses and selling off their jewels, so that their children inherit nothing but debts.
Lung - god I hope not. There is little to say from beyond the grave other than to describe the sensation of being eaten by worms, or to explain whether six feet of earth feels like a suffocating weight on the chest (cremation is a sin) or a comforting natural duvet. Dead people are dead for a reason. Fuck off and be quiet you corpsy old bastards)
Noreen
Ha. I cannot believe old people would cope with the vast prices demanded by that greedy apple man. My parents won't put the heating on, even when it is baltically cold outside, and they were furious when my sister Maud bought them a satnav ("do you think we are losing our marbles? Is this some kind of a comment on our ability to navigate? You mustn't waste your money on us etc etc")
Old age pensions must be larger in America, or the old ones are busy remortgaging their houses and selling off their jewels, so that their children inherit nothing but debts.
Lung - god I hope not. There is little to say from beyond the grave other than to describe the sensation of being eaten by worms, or to explain whether six feet of earth feels like a suffocating weight on the chest (cremation is a sin) or a comforting natural duvet. Dead people are dead for a reason. Fuck off and be quiet you corpsy old bastards)
Noreen
I don't know who you are, or what you do, but I'm stuck in bed with a broken back, and have been for over 2 months now, and Man - you make me laugh!!!!!!
I have to remind myself to visit you more often.
thanks for being soooooo hilarious, and CLEVER!
I have to remind myself to visit you more often.
thanks for being soooooo hilarious, and CLEVER!
Do these paper i-pads come with a paper charger eh? And has anyone thought to give the dead a paper power plant and paper transmission lines?
Is anyone monitoring how much paper money is being burnt? Otherwise inflation is going to be a real bummer in the land of the dead.
I am not seeing much practicality or planning in all of this. Better send a paper banker to sort it all out. Or just kill a real one and send him or her.
Is anyone monitoring how much paper money is being burnt? Otherwise inflation is going to be a real bummer in the land of the dead.
I am not seeing much practicality or planning in all of this. Better send a paper banker to sort it all out. Or just kill a real one and send him or her.
# posted by 
: 3:10 AM
: 3:10 AM
(no, Philip Challinor, I do not know the exact shape of one but know it to be a fairly simple, geometric form)
Christ, but you're touchy. Did I say a word? Did I say a single word? No I did not.
Word Verification: unies (1) More than one university, (2) crotchless undies.
Christ, but you're touchy. Did I say a word? Did I say a single word? No I did not.
Word Verification: unies (1) More than one university, (2) crotchless undies.
You didn't need to say anything, Philip. I just feel your disapproval if I write something that isn't precise. It's a gift, you should be proud.
Noreen
Noreen
Noreen,
The ancient Chinese invented paper. Toilet tissue, too. So, a little paper representation, as a burnt offering, is quite a nifty gesture. Though, it's a rather morbid approach to keeping the dead up to date with trinkets of the age. Though, if one could raise them, as spirits, they'd probably tell us not to bother.
Enoch
The ancient Chinese invented paper. Toilet tissue, too. So, a little paper representation, as a burnt offering, is quite a nifty gesture. Though, it's a rather morbid approach to keeping the dead up to date with trinkets of the age. Though, if one could raise them, as spirits, they'd probably tell us not to bother.
Enoch
# posted by : 11:27 PM
: 11:27 PM
Also loo paper is pretty cheap here- and the chinese don't seem interested in making cheapo offerings. It's all the shite they couldn't afford during life
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