Emerald Bile

I watched this film called "The Romantics". I think I must be due on my period, because I actually rented the film, it wasn't just a question of being stuck on a plane with nothing else to watch. No. I, myself, went into the video library and I took a film with the name "The Romantics" off the shelf and brought it home.

Not only did the film have the most despicable name, but it was described on the back as a "dramedy". I can't explain to you how angry that made me. A fucking "dramedy". What will those film makers think of next? A "snuffedy". A "pornma". Well, if they do come up with either of those genres, I would watch them a million times over, rather than watch another dramedy - it was the worst thing I have ever watched in my life. When I was working in a hospital I once watched a man having his chafed crotch bound up with clingfilm. That made me feel pretty ill, as it was putrid and oozing, and crotches are not the most attractive area on a person. I have also watched stomach pumping, which equally isn't pleasant to look at and yet both of these procedures were not as bad as "the Romantics". Fuck me, what a terrible film

Oh, what was wrong with it? Well it had no story. It was all grainy and poorly lit, and they were wearing terrible clothes. Tom Cruise's wife was one of the three main characters, and she basically had a cat fight with this blonde one, over a deeply uninspiring and tedious man who was an academic. In the background were a group of boring hangers on, who took some coke and got their clothes off and rode each others spouses, which sounds like it ought to be interesting, but they made it look as exciting as weeding. The three main ones were so disagreeable, that there was no one to cheer for. Instead of thinking "God, I hope Katie Holmes gets the ride off the academic and shows that sour faced one who is the boss", I just thought they should become mormons and live together polygamously and worship Red Indian Saints and never have another cup of tea in their lives as they deserved each other, the joyless, self absorbed, American cunts

Noreen