Thursday, June 09, 2011


Utopian Parking

"Polite Notice. No Parking" said a sign outside a residential block near the supermarket. How is that polite? How is asking someone not to do something they absolutely want to do, remotely polite? And how about, if you have to be such a cunt and stop people from parking where they want, how about "No Parking Please". It would be more polite than just ordering people about.

But worse - even worse than a "polite notice" that actually says something rude and mean, worse still is the habit they have around here of labelling nazified instructions as a "friendly warning". Warnings, quite simply, are never friendly. I mean there is a sliding scale between a bossy street sign, a letter from a solicitor, a visit from the boys and a severed finger through the post - I get that, but warnings, by their very nature, are meant to frighten - not ooze warmth.

A group of cunts near the shops I visit, who, like the polite notice people above, are sick of people parking in their driveways, have put up a sign reading "Friendly warning - no parking". A friendly person would not put up a mean sign like that. A friendly person, upon seeing a shopper looking for a parking space, would come rushing out of their house and would gesture in an generous fashion to the space in their drive. If they were really friendly, they might offer to wash the car while the driver was shopping, or offer a cup of tea in one of those carry-cup things American mothers cart everywhere with them, for the shopper to sip while choosing a new handbag. A really friendly person might even ask for the keys, so they could give the upholstery a once over with the hoover, if time allowed. That. That is how to be friendly with regards to parking. That is all.


Strangely enough, it's probably easier to give someone a friendly slap than a friendly warning. A friendly kick-in-the-arse is also a theoretical possibility.
Its true. Merely putting Polite Notice on something does not make it polite.
Polite Notice. Littering will be punished by immediate execution.
Polite Notice. Spitting will result in your children being sent to a work camp.
Now, Polite Notice. You are looking GOOD today, please come in and have carnal knowledge of my wife and daughters. Thats what I call a Polite Notice.
There should be more rude notices. 'Cross the road at the crossing you dumb fuckwit.'
'Keep right you stupid cunt'.
That would be great.
The signs were meant to evoke a sense of droll irony for the benefit of our gwai lo brethren. We Asians are, if we are anything at all, certainly prone to fits of irony.
To do a friendly warning you have to be a meaty, bald man, neatly dressed, softly-spojen with a trimmed moustache and - a lisp. The lisp adds all the menace you need.
And soft, leather gloves, Boyo. With the backs cut out - like perverts wear to drive cars.

It's entirely possible to have a friendly warning:

This Area is prone to meteorite strikes. You are advised not to park here.

Perfectly polite and friendly. The unfriendly person would allow you to return to your smoldering ruin of a vehicle as an example to others.

Some folks, here in the states, who own their own homes, have the temerity to place empty trash cans at the parking space fronting the house. This practice is done to save the "spot" for someone in the family. Touching, is it not? The balls of it all, too, since the street doesn't belong to them. Instead, perhaps, a tad of creative signage would be more succinct and to the point, such as,"No parking here, Fucko!"
In a pinch, it keeps the cans out of harm's way.
Maybe they just don't know how to spell the word 'Police' properly.
Elitirite cunts.
It's like those awful people who say 'I'm not being rude, but...' then go on to say something deeply hurtful and unpleasant. I once knew a woman like at work, who carried on with this ploy until one of our colleagues said to her 'I'm not being rude, but fuck off'. That soon put a stop to it.
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