Thursday, January 20, 2011


Elderly Eggs Can Fuck Right Off

I love eggs very much. I enjoy the thought that I am eating something which, if I did not actually eat it, has the potential to be an entire creature. I also like eating seeds and nuts, as I pretend to myself that I am eating baby trees and herbaceous borders. That makes me sounds a little odd, but not as odd as people who enjoy eating ancient, jellified, blackened eggs.

Here in Hong Kong it's hard to escape the 100 year old egg. A great, wobbling sulfurous, smokey yolk, jiggling atop a black, viscous "white", chopped into slices and served cold. And don't worry - I'm not about to rant on "Oh those Chinese, they eat pandas and foetuses - it's disgusting" I am quite happy about that. I think it's very interesting of them to eat tiger's hands and penises and foetuses - they are entirely welcome to all of those things. While the Chinese are eating that god-awful fodder, the queue in McDonalds will be shorter for me. I have no argument with them and their unusual eating habits whatsoever.

What I will not fucking put up with though, is the Chinese having a go at something which is alright. I am never going to eat a panda or a foetus - so if they want to serve it with stinky tofu sauce and a snake-shit coulis - then that is fine by me. But eggs, well as a dairy-free vegetarian (fuck off - before you start, it is my choice) well eggs are a very important part of my diet. I like them in a McMuffin, fried and hard boiled.If you are a bit of a cunt, you can scramble them, or make the fuckers into a great, big, poncing omelette. There are literally, a million ways to make a delicious egg, into something delicious. So why, why would you steep one in horse's urine and make it into a dank, trembling, fragile orb of horror? The Chinese have gone too far this time. Fuck away off from eggs, Chinese people. Just leave them alone. That is all.


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