Thursday, April 21, 2011


The Mediocre Cat Fight

I watched this film called "The Romantics". I think I must be due on my period, because I actually rented the film, it wasn't just a question of being stuck on a plane with nothing else to watch. No. I, myself, went into the video library and I took a film with the name "The Romantics" off the shelf and brought it home.

Not only did the film have the most despicable name, but it was described on the back as a "dramedy". I can't explain to you how angry that made me. A fucking "dramedy". What will those film makers think of next? A "snuffedy". A "pornma". Well, if they do come up with either of those genres, I would watch them a million times over, rather than watch another dramedy - it was the worst thing I have ever watched in my life. When I was working in a hospital I once watched a man having his chafed crotch bound up with clingfilm. That made me feel pretty ill, as it was putrid and oozing, and crotches are not the most attractive area on a person. I have also watched stomach pumping, which equally isn't pleasant to look at and yet both of these procedures were not as bad as "the Romantics". Fuck me, what a terrible film

Oh, what was wrong with it? Well it had no story. It was all grainy and poorly lit, and they were wearing terrible clothes. Tom Cruise's wife was one of the three main characters, and she basically had a cat fight with this blonde one, over a deeply uninspiring and tedious man who was an academic. In the background were a group of boring hangers on, who took some coke and got their clothes off and rode each others spouses, which sounds like it ought to be interesting, but they made it look as exciting as weeding. The three main ones were so disagreeable, that there was no one to cheer for. Instead of thinking "God, I hope Katie Holmes gets the ride off the academic and shows that sour faced one who is the boss", I just thought they should become mormons and live together polygamously and worship Red Indian Saints and never have another cup of tea in their lives as they deserved each other, the joyless, self absorbed, American cunts


Monday, April 11, 2011


The Afterlife: No Place for Steve Jobs And His Monkey Tricks

Last Tuesday it was Ching Ming festival. To celebrate this holy day, the Chinese get up at the crack of dawn and go to visit their family graves. First they sweep the graves and give them a good old clean. Then they build a little fire, and burn paper effigies of things they would like to give their ancestors in the afterlife - paper cars and houses or a few paper notes of money. There are specialist shops in Hong Kong, where devoted mourners can easily get hold of paper riches.

Yes, there's quite the business over here for anyone handy with a pair of scissors - I can see how cutting out a paper Ferrari, or a Lamborghini with those great, big, fucking doors like wings, that open in a stupid way, could be an accomplishment. Cutting out some paper dollar bills isn't quite so genius, but then I suppose the craftsmen need to draw on the paper, as well as cut it out, to make sure the dead ones know how much their relatives are giving them.

This year there was a new paper "thing" on offer for the mourning relatives to set fire to. Paper iPads (also pretty fucking easy to cut out, wouldn't you think?) These paper squares or rectangles (no, Philip Challinor, I do not know the exact shape of one but know it to be a fairly simple, geometric form)were flying off the shelves of the "Things To Buy Your Deaders" shop. They were the highest selling paper burnable object this year.

If I were a Chinese corpse - especially one who had reached a fine old age, or one who had died a century ago, I would not want a paper iPad. I am not even dead yet, and I live in the 21st century and I don't want a non-paper iPad. IPads look like etch-a-sketch toys, but less fun.

Buying paper iPads for deaders is cruel. Old people hate technology, and to me it seems mean to torment them beyond the grave with paper new-fangledness. Last year it was the paper iPhone 4 and in the last ten years the poor dead fuckers have been subjected to digital cameras, laptop computers and those little fucking blue-tooth headsets, when everyone knows that ears are the first thing to rot on the dead. What is more, those lazy cunts in the paper-technology business don't even bother to supply their paper gadgets with instructions. The thieving, opportunistic bastards


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