Thursday, June 09, 2011


Utopian Parking

"Polite Notice. No Parking" said a sign outside a residential block near the supermarket. How is that polite? How is asking someone not to do something they absolutely want to do, remotely polite? And how about, if you have to be such a cunt and stop people from parking where they want, how about "No Parking Please". It would be more polite than just ordering people about.

But worse - even worse than a "polite notice" that actually says something rude and mean, worse still is the habit they have around here of labelling nazified instructions as a "friendly warning". Warnings, quite simply, are never friendly. I mean there is a sliding scale between a bossy street sign, a letter from a solicitor, a visit from the boys and a severed finger through the post - I get that, but warnings, by their very nature, are meant to frighten - not ooze warmth.

A group of cunts near the shops I visit, who, like the polite notice people above, are sick of people parking in their driveways, have put up a sign reading "Friendly warning - no parking". A friendly person would not put up a mean sign like that. A friendly person, upon seeing a shopper looking for a parking space, would come rushing out of their house and would gesture in an generous fashion to the space in their drive. If they were really friendly, they might offer to wash the car while the driver was shopping, or offer a cup of tea in one of those carry-cup things American mothers cart everywhere with them, for the shopper to sip while choosing a new handbag. A really friendly person might even ask for the keys, so they could give the upholstery a once over with the hoover, if time allowed. That. That is how to be friendly with regards to parking. That is all.


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