Monday, January 16, 2012


Cave paintings. Like I did them, only with my feet

People who are ruled by their hormones, Creationists and Communists get very excited about history and pre history. The rest of us don't really give much of a fuck about it. I, for example, don't think it matters who used to be King, whether we were once fish, or how we coped before we had knives. Do I have a knife? Yes I do - a fantastic penknife and, what is more, a large range of Sabatier knives in my kitchen. If someone asked me to use a flint to cut stuff with, I would simply use it to cut them.

So when I find myself in the company of any of the above group of people and we end up, say, looking at cave paintings or rock carvings done by our ancestors thousands of years ago, I find it very hard to look interested. Why? Because the paintings and carvings are pure shite. It is worse than when someone shows you the awful scrawls their children produce at nursery, as, judging from the height of the paintings up the wall, they must have been done by a human adult, and adults should be able to draw better than children. I suppose it is just possible, that the paintings and carvings that exist in the world are actually evidence of prehistoric 'special schools', but I doubt it. I don't think there was much difference between normal and special back then, if Stig of the Dump and the Flintstones, with that cretinous great man, are anything to go by.

There is always some wanker who pipes up with a theory about how the paintings are stylised, or they are symbolising some great event, or a way of asking the prehistoric gods for a favour. What a load of old shite. How come these cunt cavemen only ever paint cows? What's that about? I'm not having David Attenborough and nature programmes giving out: '90 percent of the worlds species have disappeared from the planet', and then excusing the cavemen for only ever painting one sort of creature. And if I were a caveman and for whatever barking reason, were only allowed to paint one sort of animal, would I paint a cow? No I fucking well would not. I would paint a Przewalski's horse, racing some other Przewalski's horses. That is all.

Yeah, mostly cows and every now and then a mammoth or two.

Art be damned, I always figured that they were some kind of prehistoric shopping list that Mrs. Thag showed to her hubby before he left the cave.
If they were intended to be art, there’d be more nudity.
Too right. There's a direct line from these trog daubs to the Blue Peter competitions that only the under-6s were ever allowed to win, despite the superior artistry of my teenage efforts.

(Word ver: "guiling". Nuff said)
Cows have a lot going for them because of the amount of milk they produce. Before cavemen started milking cows, they probably had to force lactating women to squirt into their tea. Isn't that a good enough reason to worship cows, like the Hindus?
Go on then.
Here you go, MNK. One I did when I was last in France
That's a cow. It's got stylised horns and everything.

Word Verification: preafte,a mediaeval prelate with no teeth.
So you fell for all that prehistoric cave painting stuff did you?
Those paintings were not done by prehistoric people, they were done by a medieval Banksy, a merry French prankster who liked to draw cows.
Where would the prehistoric types have got paint? Exactly.
I myself baked some gingerbread animals from moulds, took them to France, went to the caves with a torch and some chalk, draw round the gingerbread animals and coloured them in. I was sorely tempted to sign them Ug or similar but managed to restrain myself, I have been laughing ever since.

Word verification: Nerio, a merry Roman Emperor who fiddled the books while Rome got tidied up a bit.

What better way, for a caveman, to communicate the thing(s) on his mind? Paint a cow, for it gives him milk; paint a bear, for it scares the shit out of him and it's his way, only, to cope. Tomorrow (he thinks), the bear could possibly eat his silly ass, and then---it's Kaput!
It's obvious.
They must have been as thick as shit, so what do you expect from their "Artwork"?

Same when you go to Aussie, and look at the ancient Aboriginal art. It's not that much different from modern Aboriginal art, which kind of prooves my point.
I never saw any cave painting or rock carvings done by our ancestors thousands of years ago. I think those paintings are very mysterious.
My god - you are absolutely right! Everyone with an education is wrong!
special schools are need in many countries to secure the life of some special persons who were living in this world
Paint a horse? I'd paint a picture of Pippa's bum
So then, Noreen, you fancy yourself an ancient art critic?

Can you find merit in this piece?

I am a rowbot!
Not for nothin', Tootsie, where the hell Are you? Get to it, girl! I miss your chatter. Don't be Tweetin' your life away!!!! Jeez!

Anon A. Mouse
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