Monday, January 16, 2012


Cave paintings. Like I did them, only with my feet

People who are ruled by their hormones, Creationists and Communists get very excited about history and pre history. The rest of us don't really give much of a fuck about it. I, for example, don't think it matters who used to be King, whether we were once fish, or how we coped before we had knives. Do I have a knife? Yes I do - a fantastic penknife and, what is more, a large range of Sabatier knives in my kitchen. If someone asked me to use a flint to cut stuff with, I would simply use it to cut them.

So when I find myself in the company of any of the above group of people and we end up, say, looking at cave paintings or rock carvings done by our ancestors thousands of years ago, I find it very hard to look interested. Why? Because the paintings and carvings are pure shite. It is worse than when someone shows you the awful scrawls their children produce at nursery, as, judging from the height of the paintings up the wall, they must have been done by a human adult, and adults should be able to draw better than children. I suppose it is just possible, that the paintings and carvings that exist in the world are actually evidence of prehistoric 'special schools', but I doubt it. I don't think there was much difference between normal and special back then, if Stig of the Dump and the Flintstones, with that cretinous great man, are anything to go by.

There is always some wanker who pipes up with a theory about how the paintings are stylised, or they are symbolising some great event, or a way of asking the prehistoric gods for a favour. What a load of old shite. How come these cunt cavemen only ever paint cows? What's that about? I'm not having David Attenborough and nature programmes giving out: '90 percent of the worlds species have disappeared from the planet', and then excusing the cavemen for only ever painting one sort of creature. And if I were a caveman and for whatever barking reason, were only allowed to paint one sort of animal, would I paint a cow? No I fucking well would not. I would paint a Przewalski's horse, racing some other Przewalski's horses. That is all.

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